I have had enough, i am so tired of feeling like shit. No matter what i do i just don't feel any better. Its the first time for a few weeks that i have had thoughts of hurting myself.
So what can i do today? I am struggling to even do my online stuff today. I have slept so much i can't sleep anymore, i watch the tv and constantly there are images that hurt me to see. I feel like i have a straight jacket on, my back and my neck are agony. Even my calves are sore - i remember reading somewhere that is a sign of stress! How funny!
I have just had a bath and the only thing going through my head is what is the point of life? For me life feels like a cruel joke. I have spent so much of my life feeling sick, in pain or just tortured by my own thoughts. That was in between the thoughts of cutting myself with the razor that was sitting just above my head, or drinking the bleach that i saw sitting beside the toilet.
I know i need to find some meaning in my life, i have known that for a long time, but i just don't know how to. I have been trying to do things to feel useful and it seems to work for a little while. I think what is happening at the minute is the HRT is having a big impact on my mood. I feel ok ish when i am taking the first half of the tablets but now i am halfway through the second lot - i seem to remember feeling bad at this time last month as well - its like the ultimate pmt. What can i do though? is it normal to feel like this on it? Is it likely to get better with time?
I never did get my blood test done to check the levels of hormones - i guess that is something i really should do asap.
For now, i just feel like i have to try and get the day over with. How i do this today i really don't know!
Sunday 29 January 2012
Saturday 21 January 2012
Positive Steps
I think i have mentioned before that i have used what i call my positive steps challenge on and off throughout my life as a way of coping or possibly even over-coming my depression. Now that i think about it i would say it was in my last post i spoke about it!
Anyway, today i just logged in to MSE which is where i now complete my challenge, along with several others who have joined in with me too, and it struck me again just how useful the challenge is. It may seem a bit daft and an exaggeration to say this challenge has magic powers, but sometimes that is exactly how it feels. Reading through other peoples posts on there today it just made me smile so much when they said it was really helping them too! I know it seems like a really simple thing, but it is based on a lot of my own knowledge of psychology and depression as well as personal experience, and now the feedback from others as well.
The way i use the challenge is this: First of all, depending on my mood and current level of ability to complete the challenge i set myself a goal of a certain number of positive steps to achieve in a day. The good thing about it is i can do this challenge at whatever level i choose from 1 step to as many as i can fit in a day. Trust me sometimes it is a struggle to achieve the 1 step and sometimes its not enough of a challenge for me to aim for 10 or even 20, but that is the whole point - it is about setting myself a goal that is sufficient enough to challenge me a bit without trying to over-stretch myself either.
The other thing about it is I could start off with the aiming for 1 step and then maybe it helps me to have done something, so i might decide to aim for another one. The 'trick' i think is about knowing where to set the limit for the day - ultimately this means being in tune with my own state of mind and being able to distinguish between low motivation and just plain can't be arsed - I think other people with the experience of depression know what i'm getting at here?? I know some days i just do very little which has nothing to do with my depression in the same way that everyone else has those days too!
Today i have set myself a target of 10 positive steps, 5 of which relate to my online earning accounts and 5 of which relate to general house things and 'me' things. So far i have managed to do quite a few really:
Online accounts - swagbucks, superpoints, free bingo, free lottery, checked freebies options, cleared email account 1 of junk mail/unwanted stuff, changed email notification on facebook, wrote post for money making blog, and of course writing this post.
House stuff - folded up washing, put another wash on, and put recycling out.
Me stuff - now thats where i get a bit stuck.......oh i got up at 10.30 cos i am trying to get my sleep pattern back into something that resembles normal even though i didn't go to bed until 5ish and am about to go have a shower......
I have some more bits i want to do as well, which hopefully i will manage on top of those 14 things i have already done - how good is that? and i even feel good about having achieved so many :)
Right shower beckons......hope you have a positive day too :)
Anyway, today i just logged in to MSE which is where i now complete my challenge, along with several others who have joined in with me too, and it struck me again just how useful the challenge is. It may seem a bit daft and an exaggeration to say this challenge has magic powers, but sometimes that is exactly how it feels. Reading through other peoples posts on there today it just made me smile so much when they said it was really helping them too! I know it seems like a really simple thing, but it is based on a lot of my own knowledge of psychology and depression as well as personal experience, and now the feedback from others as well.
The way i use the challenge is this: First of all, depending on my mood and current level of ability to complete the challenge i set myself a goal of a certain number of positive steps to achieve in a day. The good thing about it is i can do this challenge at whatever level i choose from 1 step to as many as i can fit in a day. Trust me sometimes it is a struggle to achieve the 1 step and sometimes its not enough of a challenge for me to aim for 10 or even 20, but that is the whole point - it is about setting myself a goal that is sufficient enough to challenge me a bit without trying to over-stretch myself either.
The other thing about it is I could start off with the aiming for 1 step and then maybe it helps me to have done something, so i might decide to aim for another one. The 'trick' i think is about knowing where to set the limit for the day - ultimately this means being in tune with my own state of mind and being able to distinguish between low motivation and just plain can't be arsed - I think other people with the experience of depression know what i'm getting at here?? I know some days i just do very little which has nothing to do with my depression in the same way that everyone else has those days too!
Today i have set myself a target of 10 positive steps, 5 of which relate to my online earning accounts and 5 of which relate to general house things and 'me' things. So far i have managed to do quite a few really:
Online accounts - swagbucks, superpoints, free bingo, free lottery, checked freebies options, cleared email account 1 of junk mail/unwanted stuff, changed email notification on facebook, wrote post for money making blog, and of course writing this post.
House stuff - folded up washing, put another wash on, and put recycling out.
Me stuff - now thats where i get a bit stuck.......oh i got up at 10.30 cos i am trying to get my sleep pattern back into something that resembles normal even though i didn't go to bed until 5ish and am about to go have a shower......
I have some more bits i want to do as well, which hopefully i will manage on top of those 14 things i have already done - how good is that? and i even feel good about having achieved so many :)
Right shower beckons......hope you have a positive day too :)
Thursday 19 January 2012
I AM trying.........Not to be hard on myself
Everywhere i go to talk about the problems i have the same words get said to me - "stop being so hard on yourself". It comes up so frequently i would be foolish to ignore it!
But how do you stop being hard on yourself? Its a bit of an odd thing isn't it? and where on earth does it come from?
I suppose when i hear people saying i shouldn't be so hard on myself i imagine what they are talking about is that little voice in my head......the one that says things like you are so stupid, you are rubbish at this, you have to do better - I call it my chatterbox. Everyone has one, that inner voice that never really seems to stop - how many times has yours asked what on earth are you doing? or why are you doing that? or my favourite why did i say THAT! ?
So if everyone has one then what makes mine any different to anyone else's? I thought everyone's inner voice had that critical edge to it - its about self monitoring (i actually did a study on this at uni) and its our way of guiding ourselves and giving ourselves feedback about ourselves and situations. So if thats what it does surely then everyone's chatterbox lets them know when they are doing something wrong - it wouldn't work otherwise would it?
The way i see it is if i am going to learn to stop being so hard on myself then i a few options:
But how do you stop being hard on yourself? Its a bit of an odd thing isn't it? and where on earth does it come from?
I suppose when i hear people saying i shouldn't be so hard on myself i imagine what they are talking about is that little voice in my head......the one that says things like you are so stupid, you are rubbish at this, you have to do better - I call it my chatterbox. Everyone has one, that inner voice that never really seems to stop - how many times has yours asked what on earth are you doing? or why are you doing that? or my favourite why did i say THAT! ?
So if everyone has one then what makes mine any different to anyone else's? I thought everyone's inner voice had that critical edge to it - its about self monitoring (i actually did a study on this at uni) and its our way of guiding ourselves and giving ourselves feedback about ourselves and situations. So if thats what it does surely then everyone's chatterbox lets them know when they are doing something wrong - it wouldn't work otherwise would it?
The way i see it is if i am going to learn to stop being so hard on myself then i a few options:
- stop the chattering happening altogether
- stop the negative chattering
- not listen to the negative chattering
- increase the positive chattering
- make a conscious effort to listen to the positive chattering
hmmmmm its not easy to know how to do any of these things really, but i would say as everyone has a chatterbox then the first option is nonsense. If it does provide you with guidance then there has to be a certain degree of negative in there doesn't there? We all need constructive criticism to be able to learn so maybe that is the key here - it needs to be constructive! This is where it gets a bit tricky - i have no access to other people's chatterbox so how do i know what is it that other people say to themselves??? lol
Anyway, i suppose what i think i have to do is learn to recognise the just being critical voice and try to stop paying attention to that so much. Or maybe its about challenging it - that makes more sense to me than trying to stop thinking a certain way - that always reminds me of the white bear experiment - do it now to see what i mean - its really simple, just close your eyes and tell yourself NOT to think about a white bear.............and what is the first thing that comes into your mind? Mine is always a picture of the coke ad white bear hahahaha!
I have read a lot about positive affirmations which relate to this topic quite a bit - the idea that you should look in the mirror and say something good about yourself - i don't know about anyone else but i just find this almost impossible - i just feel ridiculous which maybe in itself says a lot!! Years ago when i started to read up about positive affirmation i decided i would kept a dairy just for writing one positive thing about myself each day rather than talking to myself in the mirror - i do remember it being very difficult to start with and getting easier as i went on - i still have that dairy as well :)
On a similar note i have used what i call my positive steps challenge - each day i think about what positive steps i have taken towards any of my goals and i write them down. Some days i don't have too many and other days i have loads - its funny though how you really have to think about what positive things you have managed to do at times - to me its like a kind of backward to do list and its funny how it helps to think more positively about what you have done but also gives you a kind of target - i start to think during the day now what can i add to my positive steps dairy for today? so i give myself something to do so i can write it down. The thing i personally need to be careful about is writing a to do list and using it to give myself far too many things to do. This way however i tend to give myself one thing at a time to do - and usually it leads to getting a few things done each day :) whether that counts as more positive self talk or not i'm not really sure just yet - i think i am going to try and pay some closer attention to my chatterbox over the next few days and see what its saying, challenge it when i feel i am being 'just critical' and see what happens when i do my positive steps challenge - will be interesting to see what comes up :)
Sunday 15 January 2012
I AM trying......to sort out my finances
There are a lot of things that we take for granted in life......until they are taken away from us. For me one of those things was my income. Although i have had some long term absences from work due to health reasons i have usually been lucky enough to have been paid during these times. Unfortunately as i was taking my income for granted i did get myself into a situation with credit cards and loans etc while i was working - it was fine while i was earning but as soon as my sick pay stopped i was in trouble - big trouble!!
Considering the amount of stress that is associated with financial difficulties in general, never mind when you also have to deal with mental health issues as well, this had to be one of the most urgent issues that i needed to take care of. The problem is this: how exactly do you 'take care' of financial issues when every time you try to think about it your head turns all the figures and names into a jumble, when your head is so confused you can't even read what is written on a piece of paper - thats if you can even just get the courage up to open the letter in the first place.
On top of that then there are all sorts of issues about having to admit to being in trouble - everyone who has ever had to speak to someone with regard to their finances probably has had the same sort of feelings of embarrassment and shame - I'm not trying to say that this feeling is unique at all, what is different though is how those feelings feed the already negative view of yourself when you also have depression. It provides yet another set of evidence 'proving' just how stupid, hopeless, useless and worthless you are when you can't even deal with your own finances - there does seem to be a particular sense of irresponsibility associated with money issues doesn't there? I guess its that association with it being 'your own fault' that as an adult you 'should know better' - all of this is exaggerated when depression is twisting your thoughts, and that is a very dangerous combination.
Despite having got myself into this difficulty I have never had financial problems before - i have always been proud of the fact that i was a hard working and responsible person when it came to money. I honestly don't remember a time when i had to ask anyone for money - i was always in control of it so much so that i was able to make various investments at the age of 18 - not that i have any of them left anymore.
Now looking back over things i know that i was overstretching myself, i can see that i got lured into having too many credit cards with the promise of 0% interest deals, but perhaps most of all i never expected to be unable to work. Anyone reading this may think well perhaps i should have had some kind of income insurance, and trust me i had looked into all of these options. However because i had depression almost before i began my working life i would not have been entitled to any payment through any of these insurance schemes.
So, how was i to cope? I had all sorts of debts to pay as well as my mortgage payments and living expenses - I had no option but to ask for help. I eventually contacted CCCS and explained the circumstances as best i could in my state of mind and I have to say they were extremely helpful. It took me several telephone appointments with them to get all the information together but once i was able to just tell them the information about who i owed money to and the amount i owed to each of them they just took all of that information and came up with a payment plan - it literally took away any of the need to think about anything which is exactly what i needed. I now just have the one payment to make - i pay CCCS every month by direct debit and they deal with everything on my behalf. You have no idea how much stress that lifted from me. They also were able to tell me about various things i could apply for which i had no idea of - help with my rates for example. I did still have quite a bit of trouble filling in the forms if i am honest - i could only maybe answer 1 or 2 questions at any one time, but at least i got there in the end.
I am still finding bills coming in that i was completely unaware of or simply wasn't expecting, and i have had to ask for quite a lot of help with these things over the past few years. I still find it extremely difficult to admit that i can't cope with my finances - quite frankly if i get any bill in that is not included in my CCCS plan i usually don't know what to do with it. Sometimes i feel like i am taking one step forward and then 10 backwards where money is concerned, however i do try to be as frugal as i can so i can pay an extra £1 off a bill if possible and i use as many vouchers as possible - usually ones i have 'earned' online by using various get paid to websites - get paid to search, get paid to watch adverts, collecting points in whatever way i can really. Its not a living, or anywhere near it, but the way i see it now is literally every penny counts - i save all my pennies (the little copper ones!) and pay them off another bill when i get £1. It may take me many many years to get debt free again and if i ever manage to repair my credit file it will be a miracle........but each extra £1 i pay off my debts is another step closer to being back in control of that stuff that apparently makes the world go round! I'll be happy when it just makes the bills go away!
Considering the amount of stress that is associated with financial difficulties in general, never mind when you also have to deal with mental health issues as well, this had to be one of the most urgent issues that i needed to take care of. The problem is this: how exactly do you 'take care' of financial issues when every time you try to think about it your head turns all the figures and names into a jumble, when your head is so confused you can't even read what is written on a piece of paper - thats if you can even just get the courage up to open the letter in the first place.
On top of that then there are all sorts of issues about having to admit to being in trouble - everyone who has ever had to speak to someone with regard to their finances probably has had the same sort of feelings of embarrassment and shame - I'm not trying to say that this feeling is unique at all, what is different though is how those feelings feed the already negative view of yourself when you also have depression. It provides yet another set of evidence 'proving' just how stupid, hopeless, useless and worthless you are when you can't even deal with your own finances - there does seem to be a particular sense of irresponsibility associated with money issues doesn't there? I guess its that association with it being 'your own fault' that as an adult you 'should know better' - all of this is exaggerated when depression is twisting your thoughts, and that is a very dangerous combination.
Despite having got myself into this difficulty I have never had financial problems before - i have always been proud of the fact that i was a hard working and responsible person when it came to money. I honestly don't remember a time when i had to ask anyone for money - i was always in control of it so much so that i was able to make various investments at the age of 18 - not that i have any of them left anymore.
Now looking back over things i know that i was overstretching myself, i can see that i got lured into having too many credit cards with the promise of 0% interest deals, but perhaps most of all i never expected to be unable to work. Anyone reading this may think well perhaps i should have had some kind of income insurance, and trust me i had looked into all of these options. However because i had depression almost before i began my working life i would not have been entitled to any payment through any of these insurance schemes.
So, how was i to cope? I had all sorts of debts to pay as well as my mortgage payments and living expenses - I had no option but to ask for help. I eventually contacted CCCS and explained the circumstances as best i could in my state of mind and I have to say they were extremely helpful. It took me several telephone appointments with them to get all the information together but once i was able to just tell them the information about who i owed money to and the amount i owed to each of them they just took all of that information and came up with a payment plan - it literally took away any of the need to think about anything which is exactly what i needed. I now just have the one payment to make - i pay CCCS every month by direct debit and they deal with everything on my behalf. You have no idea how much stress that lifted from me. They also were able to tell me about various things i could apply for which i had no idea of - help with my rates for example. I did still have quite a bit of trouble filling in the forms if i am honest - i could only maybe answer 1 or 2 questions at any one time, but at least i got there in the end.
I am still finding bills coming in that i was completely unaware of or simply wasn't expecting, and i have had to ask for quite a lot of help with these things over the past few years. I still find it extremely difficult to admit that i can't cope with my finances - quite frankly if i get any bill in that is not included in my CCCS plan i usually don't know what to do with it. Sometimes i feel like i am taking one step forward and then 10 backwards where money is concerned, however i do try to be as frugal as i can so i can pay an extra £1 off a bill if possible and i use as many vouchers as possible - usually ones i have 'earned' online by using various get paid to websites - get paid to search, get paid to watch adverts, collecting points in whatever way i can really. Its not a living, or anywhere near it, but the way i see it now is literally every penny counts - i save all my pennies (the little copper ones!) and pay them off another bill when i get £1. It may take me many many years to get debt free again and if i ever manage to repair my credit file it will be a miracle........but each extra £1 i pay off my debts is another step closer to being back in control of that stuff that apparently makes the world go round! I'll be happy when it just makes the bills go away!
Wednesday 11 January 2012
I AM trying........to feel better about myself
One of the most difficult things about depression in my opinion is the way it undermines any and every scrap of self worth that you have. Everything, and i mean everything becomes not just negative but also self focused. So instead of being able to understand that there are usually several reasons to explain why something doesn't work out the way I expect it to everything that goes 'wrong' is somehow because of me - its because i am stupid, a failure, cursed even, any vague connection that there is to me for something going wrong is because of my involvement. To be honest if i could figure out a connection for it the latest world tragedy would be my fault as well.
Ok so that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.....but that is exactly the the point.......everything does become exaggerated but only in negative way. In addition this happens while at the same time anything positive that might happen becomes minimised and outer focussed....so anything that does work out well was only because of the actions of someone else. I call it the anti-rose coloured glasses filter!
To understand the anti-rose coloured glasses idea you also need to understand that this is something that happens because of the illness, it is not a choice. It is a certain way of thinking and it is something that can be changed....eventually. But it is not something that depressed people choose to do - what i mean by that is we don't deliberately try to see the worst case scenario in everything - its just automatically the first thing that comes to mind - we can see that this is happening but because of how we feel it is a deeply held belief about ourselves. If i can try and put this into some perspective.....which really isn't that easy unless you have experienced it......trying to explain to someone who is depressed that something is not their fault is like trying to convince them that the sun is shining and its a hot summer day when they are freezing and feeling the rain soak their skin - everything is telling them that it couldn't possibly be a hot summer day........and to take it a step further if you and everyone else keep trying to convince a depressed person that it is a hot summers day they will literally think you and any one else saying this has completely lost their mind. Fact is you cannot just tell someone to change how they feel!
There is a lot of research that has been done about depression and attempts to explain why this negative thought process happens. Even the so called experts find this difficult to explain and instead tend to talk about descriptions of what happens rather than why. Its a bit like the whole chicken and egg scenario - we aren't quite sure about how they got here but we can describe the cycle of chicken reproduction.
As someone who has both studied mental illness and experienced it I always find it interesting that people tend to talk in terms of triggers for a decline in mental health. There tends to be the idea that there is a point in time that can be identified as THE turning point....that somehow we have been fine until a certain event and after that event we have had a change in our mental health. As someone experiencing depression i can say that i personally also have a tendency to think in terms of a turning point, but that also does not relate very well to the experience. For me there has always been a kind of snowball effect - i could literally feel it building up, i could feel it developing - it is one of the things that you learn to tune into, but it is also not a clear cut feeling so even when tuned into it there is still a degree of uncertainty about what is happening.
For me there have been some serious events in my life recently that i can pinpoint as contributing to my current experience of depression, as for a turning point? well i don't know really, a cause? possibly. The main thing is that these experiences have had and continue to have a dramatic impact on my self worth - i do feel like a failure, i feel like i have made a complete mess of my life and i question constantly the 'reality' of the situations. No doubt i will go into more details about the situations at some point in this blog, but for now i am conscious that to do so would take up another 10 or more pages before i could get to my point and that is about what i am trying to do at the minute to work on how i feel about myself.
When trying to 'work' with someone who has depression and extremely low feelings of self worth there is a tendency to try and challenge these feelings by looking at what that person has achieved in their life.........I have achieved a lot in my life and i know that - i haven't suddenly forgotten that i overcame a lot of hurdles and managed to not only go to university later in my life but also achieved very good marks for example, I haven't forgotten that i am a reasonably strong, smart, and effective person when i am well who can cope with a lot of things that other people wouldn't even know where to start and cope with - just because i am depressed doesn't mean that these things are wiped out of my memory, it means that they are simply not effective in boosting my feelings of self worth RIGHT NOW. These things are about the person i am when i am well, but i am not well at the minute and so they have no relationship to the 'sick' me whatsoever.
Something else to take into consideration is the fact that the things that are important to me right now are not necessarily the things that were important to me when i achieved them before - my motivations are different now. Also for me right now reminders about what i WAS able to do only serves to remind me of what i am NOT able to do now. I have a very acute sense of loss - i feel like i have lost myself as well as my job, my health, my option of having a family, my dignity, my reputation, my skills, my body even - everything that i worked so hard to build in my life has gone. The only way i can start to feel better about myself again is to start from scratch. I need to start and achieve things again as the person that i am right now.
I think this is where a lot of people get stuck, maybe i am wrong in that - i just find that for me it is not about looking back and doing the things i used to do because that reminds me of my losses, it is not necessarily about using the skills that i used to have either because a lot of them i can't do right now, it is not about doing things that i used to enjoy either although obviously my general interests haven't changed - i am still interested in crafts for example, but i find it hard to make jewellery as i used to do that. Instead of doing something i did before i am doing some sewing which i never really did much of before so i don't feel bad being a 'beginner' with that, and i am able to achieve something by doing it. I also have some new interests now as well - i have found myself getting more curious about how to develop pages and things on facebook and websites - i have started to try and learn a little bit of HTML for example - learning how to manipulate the look of internet pages. I have become interested in promoting things on facebook as well - how does it all work? I want to find out how to do it well. This relates to being able to do something that is useful - my partner has been setting up his own business and so i have become interested in these things because it is something that i can do to help.
Taking those things a step further again, i have noticed that one of the main things i personally have a need for is to feel useful - i have worked with people all my life in a caring capacity and this is no coincidence - i am a caring person and i like to help other people if i can. Taking this information as well as my current interest in facebook and publicising i have come up with the idea that i could combine the 2 things to do some fundraising for a cause that i can relate to. I have to say this is also a really risky activity for me - it will be exposing myself to the possibility of failure - it is putting my reputation out there again, but it is also something new to me in a lot of ways - i have never used the internet like this before so i am a 'beginner' in that sense. The option of me being able to do something to help other people as well as develop new skills is a huge thing for me and IF i am able to do it, even in a small way i know will start to help me to feel better about myself again. The risk of course is if it doesn't work then i have the failure label all too ready to slap on myself again. I have been doing a few small things related to this and i have had some very big emotion swings - i am happy when i raise a little bit of money for a charity, but on the days i don't make anything i get really disappointed and feel useless again - it has to be because of something i am doing after all doesn't it? and not because its just after Christmas and no one has any money or something!!!! (see i do know there are other possible reasons.......).
I also know that doing these things is a pretty big deal for anyone who is feeling the way i am - i have never been the sort of person to sit back and be easy on myself - its one of the issues i really would like to be able to work on .....but at the same time i have a need to be busy and to do something useful....so i am trying to take it day by day at the minute, and i am trying not to jump to the 'failure label' when things don't go so well. Some days it is easier than others, but everyday i am trying to remember that i AM achieving something again - its good to have something that is easy to measure - if i make an extra £1 in a day then i can see the balance increasing. Also if i am doing some promoting i can see the number of people on my page increasing as well - it is good to have a reasonably immediate method of feedback on my actions as well which is something associated with facebook in particular.
So that is where i am with things right now - probably at a higher level of activity than a lot of people who have felt the way i feel most days, and i try to give myself some praise for that, while at the same time i try not to push myself too hard too quickly because that is another 'habit' that i know i have. Most of the time it feels like a juggling act and sometimes i drop a ball ......but when i can i pick it up and i try again.
Ok so that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.....but that is exactly the the point.......everything does become exaggerated but only in negative way. In addition this happens while at the same time anything positive that might happen becomes minimised and outer focussed....so anything that does work out well was only because of the actions of someone else. I call it the anti-rose coloured glasses filter!
To understand the anti-rose coloured glasses idea you also need to understand that this is something that happens because of the illness, it is not a choice. It is a certain way of thinking and it is something that can be changed....eventually. But it is not something that depressed people choose to do - what i mean by that is we don't deliberately try to see the worst case scenario in everything - its just automatically the first thing that comes to mind - we can see that this is happening but because of how we feel it is a deeply held belief about ourselves. If i can try and put this into some perspective.....which really isn't that easy unless you have experienced it......trying to explain to someone who is depressed that something is not their fault is like trying to convince them that the sun is shining and its a hot summer day when they are freezing and feeling the rain soak their skin - everything is telling them that it couldn't possibly be a hot summer day........and to take it a step further if you and everyone else keep trying to convince a depressed person that it is a hot summers day they will literally think you and any one else saying this has completely lost their mind. Fact is you cannot just tell someone to change how they feel!
There is a lot of research that has been done about depression and attempts to explain why this negative thought process happens. Even the so called experts find this difficult to explain and instead tend to talk about descriptions of what happens rather than why. Its a bit like the whole chicken and egg scenario - we aren't quite sure about how they got here but we can describe the cycle of chicken reproduction.
As someone who has both studied mental illness and experienced it I always find it interesting that people tend to talk in terms of triggers for a decline in mental health. There tends to be the idea that there is a point in time that can be identified as THE turning point....that somehow we have been fine until a certain event and after that event we have had a change in our mental health. As someone experiencing depression i can say that i personally also have a tendency to think in terms of a turning point, but that also does not relate very well to the experience. For me there has always been a kind of snowball effect - i could literally feel it building up, i could feel it developing - it is one of the things that you learn to tune into, but it is also not a clear cut feeling so even when tuned into it there is still a degree of uncertainty about what is happening.
For me there have been some serious events in my life recently that i can pinpoint as contributing to my current experience of depression, as for a turning point? well i don't know really, a cause? possibly. The main thing is that these experiences have had and continue to have a dramatic impact on my self worth - i do feel like a failure, i feel like i have made a complete mess of my life and i question constantly the 'reality' of the situations. No doubt i will go into more details about the situations at some point in this blog, but for now i am conscious that to do so would take up another 10 or more pages before i could get to my point and that is about what i am trying to do at the minute to work on how i feel about myself.
When trying to 'work' with someone who has depression and extremely low feelings of self worth there is a tendency to try and challenge these feelings by looking at what that person has achieved in their life.........I have achieved a lot in my life and i know that - i haven't suddenly forgotten that i overcame a lot of hurdles and managed to not only go to university later in my life but also achieved very good marks for example, I haven't forgotten that i am a reasonably strong, smart, and effective person when i am well who can cope with a lot of things that other people wouldn't even know where to start and cope with - just because i am depressed doesn't mean that these things are wiped out of my memory, it means that they are simply not effective in boosting my feelings of self worth RIGHT NOW. These things are about the person i am when i am well, but i am not well at the minute and so they have no relationship to the 'sick' me whatsoever.
Something else to take into consideration is the fact that the things that are important to me right now are not necessarily the things that were important to me when i achieved them before - my motivations are different now. Also for me right now reminders about what i WAS able to do only serves to remind me of what i am NOT able to do now. I have a very acute sense of loss - i feel like i have lost myself as well as my job, my health, my option of having a family, my dignity, my reputation, my skills, my body even - everything that i worked so hard to build in my life has gone. The only way i can start to feel better about myself again is to start from scratch. I need to start and achieve things again as the person that i am right now.
I think this is where a lot of people get stuck, maybe i am wrong in that - i just find that for me it is not about looking back and doing the things i used to do because that reminds me of my losses, it is not necessarily about using the skills that i used to have either because a lot of them i can't do right now, it is not about doing things that i used to enjoy either although obviously my general interests haven't changed - i am still interested in crafts for example, but i find it hard to make jewellery as i used to do that. Instead of doing something i did before i am doing some sewing which i never really did much of before so i don't feel bad being a 'beginner' with that, and i am able to achieve something by doing it. I also have some new interests now as well - i have found myself getting more curious about how to develop pages and things on facebook and websites - i have started to try and learn a little bit of HTML for example - learning how to manipulate the look of internet pages. I have become interested in promoting things on facebook as well - how does it all work? I want to find out how to do it well. This relates to being able to do something that is useful - my partner has been setting up his own business and so i have become interested in these things because it is something that i can do to help.
Taking those things a step further again, i have noticed that one of the main things i personally have a need for is to feel useful - i have worked with people all my life in a caring capacity and this is no coincidence - i am a caring person and i like to help other people if i can. Taking this information as well as my current interest in facebook and publicising i have come up with the idea that i could combine the 2 things to do some fundraising for a cause that i can relate to. I have to say this is also a really risky activity for me - it will be exposing myself to the possibility of failure - it is putting my reputation out there again, but it is also something new to me in a lot of ways - i have never used the internet like this before so i am a 'beginner' in that sense. The option of me being able to do something to help other people as well as develop new skills is a huge thing for me and IF i am able to do it, even in a small way i know will start to help me to feel better about myself again. The risk of course is if it doesn't work then i have the failure label all too ready to slap on myself again. I have been doing a few small things related to this and i have had some very big emotion swings - i am happy when i raise a little bit of money for a charity, but on the days i don't make anything i get really disappointed and feel useless again - it has to be because of something i am doing after all doesn't it? and not because its just after Christmas and no one has any money or something!!!! (see i do know there are other possible reasons.......).
I also know that doing these things is a pretty big deal for anyone who is feeling the way i am - i have never been the sort of person to sit back and be easy on myself - its one of the issues i really would like to be able to work on .....but at the same time i have a need to be busy and to do something useful....so i am trying to take it day by day at the minute, and i am trying not to jump to the 'failure label' when things don't go so well. Some days it is easier than others, but everyday i am trying to remember that i AM achieving something again - its good to have something that is easy to measure - if i make an extra £1 in a day then i can see the balance increasing. Also if i am doing some promoting i can see the number of people on my page increasing as well - it is good to have a reasonably immediate method of feedback on my actions as well which is something associated with facebook in particular.
So that is where i am with things right now - probably at a higher level of activity than a lot of people who have felt the way i feel most days, and i try to give myself some praise for that, while at the same time i try not to push myself too hard too quickly because that is another 'habit' that i know i have. Most of the time it feels like a juggling act and sometimes i drop a ball ......but when i can i pick it up and i try again.
Saturday 7 January 2012
I AM trying........to eat a healthier diet
One of the things i noticed happening over the past year or so is that i have been steadily putting on weight. I have always been small and light - in fact for a quite a long time in my life i tried really hard to actually put some weight on. As a young teenager i weighed in the region of 6 stone and just couldn't seem to put weight on despite my love of chocolate and junk food. I eventually managed to get my weight up to 8 stone where i stayed for the best part of 20 years - actually it was 8 stone 3 LOL! I know because i weighed myself quite frequently in those days....
Its very strange thinking back to that time because i was always conscious of my weight - i was extremely conscious of being underweight when i was just 6 stone and i never felt healthy either - any bug about i was guaranteed to get it. When i was 8 stone 3 though i felt happy with my weight but i was also worried about putting on more weight than i wanted to - i did a lot of weight training back then as well so my body was pretty trim but there was always something i didn't like - it was usually this odd bit of fat i had just above my knees - how funny is that??? I have the knobbliest knees i have ever seen so that didn't help, but it always tortured me because it was one area of my body that i couldn't work on in the gym to change it how i wanted hahahaha!. I always thought i had big thighs as well which is just ridiculous to me now i have to say, but that i guess is part of the joys of being a teenage girl!!
Its only really been over the past 6 or 7 years that i noticed my weight creeping up and i didn't really mind too much to be honest - I had a bad car accident 10 years ago which meant i wasn't able to go to the gym and so i did expect there to be a change in my body. I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the fact i was getting lumps and bumps around my previously flat belly, and my thighs just felt like they always did - bigger than i wanted them to be, but all in all i actually felt ok about myself. I was about 9 stone at this point. I also actually seemed reasonably healthy at that weight - i no longer got the cold every 5 minutes at least!
All of a sudden though i noticed my weight going up and up, 9.5 stone, 10, 10.5, 11, 11stone 5 was the last measurement :( - I have never put on so much weight in my life over such a short period of time. I knew it wasn't normal and to be honest i thought it must have been related to my medication - but i still needed to do SOMETHING about it! I was feeling worse and worse about myself and the fact that i couldn't get into any of my clothes was a major issue - it was especially bad when i could no longer get into my 'fat jeans' - does everyone have these somewhere i wonder???? Anyway going from a wardrobe full of clothes to not even being able to get into my 'fat jeans' really didn't do me any good - its hard to go out when you literally have nothing to wear and no money to buy anything either!
Anyway i decided i had to do something about it - i tried to diet, i tried to exercise, i tried everything i could think of and having been a fitness instructor thats quite a lot of things to try and to have nothing work, i mean the more i tried to loose weight the more i was putting on. I did think seriously about coming off my medication, because lets face it if thats what was putting the weight on i was never going to feel better while i was on it.
When i say i would never feel better, let me be clear i am talking about feeling in the least bit happy - i am talking here about serious issues with my body. I stopped getting undressed anywhere near a mirror, i stopped getting undressed anywhere near my partner, i started to feel completely unattractive, i started wearing the only thing i could wear and that was pyjamas. I felt like i couldn't even sit down without feeling choked with the corset of fat that i had developed around my middle, i couldn't bend over, put my socks on even without getting out of breath - all those things that had been not only never been an issue or even something i had thought possible, but to have gone from being a reasonably fit and flexible person to not being able to put my socks on was quite a shock. I have got quite an insight into just a fraction of the problems that people who are overweight have to deal with i can tell you, and that is without me even getting above a size 14 - i honestly don't know how anyone can actually function at the higher end of the scale - and that is a genuine comment - it really has affected me in a huge way both physically and mentally.
It affected me so much in fact that i asked to see a dietitian - i needed help with this before i ended up going down really bad paths. I have to say i did teeter over the edge into binge eating and starving myself and taking laxatives - i drew the line at making myself sick......only just! It was a huge alarm going off in my head!
So what have i done about it? To be honest the first thing that actually made a difference was to actually by a few clothes that fitted me - there is nothing worse that trying everything in your wardrobe on only to find nothing fits at all - even slightly! Everyday what a reminder of how 'huge' i had got. Also as i said i am trying to improve my diet - i have always eaten badly and got away with it before so it really was about going back to basics. I did get to see a dietitian who was very helpful i might add, and i have managed to change things round. I have never eaten so much fruit in my life and i have stopped eating take away food despite the fact that my depression makes it extremely hard to actually cook anything, or even plan a meal. I do still find it very difficult to even think about what i could make a lot of the time never mind actually make something.
I have though tried to start and have simple and easy to make meal ingredients available - even if that is a ready meal - i know its not the healthiest option but i do buy the healthiest ones i can find. I do buy fruit and vegetables as well - and even if it is having some frozen vegetables available to throw into a stew well thats much better than just continuing to eat take away food - its a few steps closer to where i need to be and in my current state of mind those are giant steps. It would be much easier for me just to sit back and continue to eat badly but i know this is something that not only affects my body but also my mind - i cannot expect my mood to improve while i continue to eat in a way that contributes significantly to mood swings even when there is no depressive illness to contend with as well.
I know this is only part of what i need to be doing to feel better about myself, and i know it is only a few steps in the right direction in relation to this one specific area - my body weight. It is however not a straight forward situation - menopause itself does cause the type of weight gain that i have experienced - especially around the middle which has been the main cause of my difficulty with sitting and bending over. I have been on HRT for just 1 month now and already i have noticed some difference in my body - i have lost some weight and i don't feel so constricted around the middle. It is likely to take me quite some time until i really do start to feel better about my body....... but as i said i AM trying to do something about that.....and to a certain extent i am also SUCCEEDING - the steps may seem tiny and simple for those around me but for me at the minute each tiny step is like climbing Everest - i may hang off my personal cliff now and then, and i may even slide down here and there but i am moving towards my goal - i have been for months actually - its just that no-one else has been able to see it.
Its very strange thinking back to that time because i was always conscious of my weight - i was extremely conscious of being underweight when i was just 6 stone and i never felt healthy either - any bug about i was guaranteed to get it. When i was 8 stone 3 though i felt happy with my weight but i was also worried about putting on more weight than i wanted to - i did a lot of weight training back then as well so my body was pretty trim but there was always something i didn't like - it was usually this odd bit of fat i had just above my knees - how funny is that??? I have the knobbliest knees i have ever seen so that didn't help, but it always tortured me because it was one area of my body that i couldn't work on in the gym to change it how i wanted hahahaha!. I always thought i had big thighs as well which is just ridiculous to me now i have to say, but that i guess is part of the joys of being a teenage girl!!
Its only really been over the past 6 or 7 years that i noticed my weight creeping up and i didn't really mind too much to be honest - I had a bad car accident 10 years ago which meant i wasn't able to go to the gym and so i did expect there to be a change in my body. I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the fact i was getting lumps and bumps around my previously flat belly, and my thighs just felt like they always did - bigger than i wanted them to be, but all in all i actually felt ok about myself. I was about 9 stone at this point. I also actually seemed reasonably healthy at that weight - i no longer got the cold every 5 minutes at least!
All of a sudden though i noticed my weight going up and up, 9.5 stone, 10, 10.5, 11, 11stone 5 was the last measurement :( - I have never put on so much weight in my life over such a short period of time. I knew it wasn't normal and to be honest i thought it must have been related to my medication - but i still needed to do SOMETHING about it! I was feeling worse and worse about myself and the fact that i couldn't get into any of my clothes was a major issue - it was especially bad when i could no longer get into my 'fat jeans' - does everyone have these somewhere i wonder???? Anyway going from a wardrobe full of clothes to not even being able to get into my 'fat jeans' really didn't do me any good - its hard to go out when you literally have nothing to wear and no money to buy anything either!
Anyway i decided i had to do something about it - i tried to diet, i tried to exercise, i tried everything i could think of and having been a fitness instructor thats quite a lot of things to try and to have nothing work, i mean the more i tried to loose weight the more i was putting on. I did think seriously about coming off my medication, because lets face it if thats what was putting the weight on i was never going to feel better while i was on it.
When i say i would never feel better, let me be clear i am talking about feeling in the least bit happy - i am talking here about serious issues with my body. I stopped getting undressed anywhere near a mirror, i stopped getting undressed anywhere near my partner, i started to feel completely unattractive, i started wearing the only thing i could wear and that was pyjamas. I felt like i couldn't even sit down without feeling choked with the corset of fat that i had developed around my middle, i couldn't bend over, put my socks on even without getting out of breath - all those things that had been not only never been an issue or even something i had thought possible, but to have gone from being a reasonably fit and flexible person to not being able to put my socks on was quite a shock. I have got quite an insight into just a fraction of the problems that people who are overweight have to deal with i can tell you, and that is without me even getting above a size 14 - i honestly don't know how anyone can actually function at the higher end of the scale - and that is a genuine comment - it really has affected me in a huge way both physically and mentally.
It affected me so much in fact that i asked to see a dietitian - i needed help with this before i ended up going down really bad paths. I have to say i did teeter over the edge into binge eating and starving myself and taking laxatives - i drew the line at making myself sick......only just! It was a huge alarm going off in my head!
So what have i done about it? To be honest the first thing that actually made a difference was to actually by a few clothes that fitted me - there is nothing worse that trying everything in your wardrobe on only to find nothing fits at all - even slightly! Everyday what a reminder of how 'huge' i had got. Also as i said i am trying to improve my diet - i have always eaten badly and got away with it before so it really was about going back to basics. I did get to see a dietitian who was very helpful i might add, and i have managed to change things round. I have never eaten so much fruit in my life and i have stopped eating take away food despite the fact that my depression makes it extremely hard to actually cook anything, or even plan a meal. I do still find it very difficult to even think about what i could make a lot of the time never mind actually make something.
I have though tried to start and have simple and easy to make meal ingredients available - even if that is a ready meal - i know its not the healthiest option but i do buy the healthiest ones i can find. I do buy fruit and vegetables as well - and even if it is having some frozen vegetables available to throw into a stew well thats much better than just continuing to eat take away food - its a few steps closer to where i need to be and in my current state of mind those are giant steps. It would be much easier for me just to sit back and continue to eat badly but i know this is something that not only affects my body but also my mind - i cannot expect my mood to improve while i continue to eat in a way that contributes significantly to mood swings even when there is no depressive illness to contend with as well.
I know this is only part of what i need to be doing to feel better about myself, and i know it is only a few steps in the right direction in relation to this one specific area - my body weight. It is however not a straight forward situation - menopause itself does cause the type of weight gain that i have experienced - especially around the middle which has been the main cause of my difficulty with sitting and bending over. I have been on HRT for just 1 month now and already i have noticed some difference in my body - i have lost some weight and i don't feel so constricted around the middle. It is likely to take me quite some time until i really do start to feel better about my body....... but as i said i AM trying to do something about that.....and to a certain extent i am also SUCCEEDING - the steps may seem tiny and simple for those around me but for me at the minute each tiny step is like climbing Everest - i may hang off my personal cliff now and then, and i may even slide down here and there but i am moving towards my goal - i have been for months actually - its just that no-one else has been able to see it.
I AM trying..... to wade through the haze
In my last post i said the dreaded words "well you just have to try".......I don't know how many times i have heard these words and various versions of them. Don't get me wrong I know that i do need to do things to get myself feeling better, if i didn't know that then i wouldn't be doing any of the things that i am doing. So what exactly is it that i AM doing? Believe it or not there is so much that its going to take a while to cover it all. This post then is going to be about taking medication:
Top of the list of things i AM doing has to be taking my medication. I am currently taking quite a hefty dose of Venlafaxine XL, actually i am taking the highest dose of this medication that is recommended for someone of my size and i take it everyday without fail. Sometimes i wonder just how much of my current symptoms are related to this dose of medication - i always find it rather ironic that most anti depressant medications can cause things like anxiety, sleep problems, poor appetite, poor concentration, tiredness etc......so of course it is hard to know if any of these things are due to the depression itself or the medication - fact is though i'm scared not to take it because at least i'm not lying in a crying heap in the corner most days since i have been taking it.
As well as that i am taking diazepam - not very often as i try not to take it, but it does help on those days when i feel particularly anxious and have to go to all sorts of appointments or if i find myself nearly having a panic attack at the thoughts of going out somewhere - It was the post office that i had a problem with last week for some reason....no idea why but the thought of going to it just made me feel sick to my stomach. Regardless of that i did actually go - it took me a while to fight against the urge to vomit and convince myself i wasn't really going to die if i went. I managed to ignore the heart racing and palpitations and the feeling i was dragging around led boots on my feet, oh yes and the urge to drive myself into a wall on the way there. When i got there i was thankful there were only a couple of people in the queue, and my prayers that no one would speak to me or ask me anything complicated were answered. After posting my letter i then had to go home and lie down for a while until the sheer exhaustion of having 'fought' my way there passed. Its as well i had taken my diazepam that time or it might have been kinda hard......
For the past month i have also been taking HRT medication because as well as everything else i have now been informed that i am at the end stages of menopause (which may actually be the reason why i have been feeling so crap for the past 3 years or so but its only been diagnosed now). Funny enough HRT can have some pretty bad side effects as well including.....wait for it......depression, anxiety, sleep problems, loss of appetite etc etc and that doesn't even touch on the more serious ones. As well as that i also have the thoughts of never being able to have a family of my own to contend with now and the fact that my body has let me down yet again. It doesn't matter that i feel like i have had yet another 10 years of my life stolen away from me now or that i wonder why on earth this has been thrown at me as well as everything else - all i have to do is pop a wee pill into my mouth and at least that will help to prevent me getting osteoporosis. At least i can maybe take some comfort in that while i wonder if i will be one of the people who ends up with blood clots or cancer from taking it.
Sorry is my sarcasm showing through? I don't mean to sound sarcastic - i just get tired of everything being like a double edged sword at the minute. There is of course the possibility that this latest treatment may just help me to feel better when i get my head around everything else taking it means to me.....I guess i just haven't got there yet!
You know sometimes i wish those who just don't 'get it' could be given just some of the medication i am taking at the minute just for a few days. Its always good when people can see for themselves what it is like trying to walk in another persons shoes and for me it is difficult to function through the drugs haze, the depression and the other medical issues I now have as well! I know i am not the only one - a lot of people with mental illness of any kind are taking enough medication to knock out a horse for goodness sake - i'm not saying its right or wrong here - the over prescribing of medication is another issue - i'm just saying it has a major effect on how full of energy we might feel! The next time you may be tempted to say "you just need to try" to someone with depression or when you hear those dreaded words yet again don't forget that many of us are trying and succeeding to wade through the haze a lot of the time, it takes a lot of energy to fight the invisible demons, to not sleep when you are exhausted, and to even just face the day!
Top of the list of things i AM doing has to be taking my medication. I am currently taking quite a hefty dose of Venlafaxine XL, actually i am taking the highest dose of this medication that is recommended for someone of my size and i take it everyday without fail. Sometimes i wonder just how much of my current symptoms are related to this dose of medication - i always find it rather ironic that most anti depressant medications can cause things like anxiety, sleep problems, poor appetite, poor concentration, tiredness etc......so of course it is hard to know if any of these things are due to the depression itself or the medication - fact is though i'm scared not to take it because at least i'm not lying in a crying heap in the corner most days since i have been taking it.
As well as that i am taking diazepam - not very often as i try not to take it, but it does help on those days when i feel particularly anxious and have to go to all sorts of appointments or if i find myself nearly having a panic attack at the thoughts of going out somewhere - It was the post office that i had a problem with last week for some reason....no idea why but the thought of going to it just made me feel sick to my stomach. Regardless of that i did actually go - it took me a while to fight against the urge to vomit and convince myself i wasn't really going to die if i went. I managed to ignore the heart racing and palpitations and the feeling i was dragging around led boots on my feet, oh yes and the urge to drive myself into a wall on the way there. When i got there i was thankful there were only a couple of people in the queue, and my prayers that no one would speak to me or ask me anything complicated were answered. After posting my letter i then had to go home and lie down for a while until the sheer exhaustion of having 'fought' my way there passed. Its as well i had taken my diazepam that time or it might have been kinda hard......
For the past month i have also been taking HRT medication because as well as everything else i have now been informed that i am at the end stages of menopause (which may actually be the reason why i have been feeling so crap for the past 3 years or so but its only been diagnosed now). Funny enough HRT can have some pretty bad side effects as well including.....wait for it......depression, anxiety, sleep problems, loss of appetite etc etc and that doesn't even touch on the more serious ones. As well as that i also have the thoughts of never being able to have a family of my own to contend with now and the fact that my body has let me down yet again. It doesn't matter that i feel like i have had yet another 10 years of my life stolen away from me now or that i wonder why on earth this has been thrown at me as well as everything else - all i have to do is pop a wee pill into my mouth and at least that will help to prevent me getting osteoporosis. At least i can maybe take some comfort in that while i wonder if i will be one of the people who ends up with blood clots or cancer from taking it.
Sorry is my sarcasm showing through? I don't mean to sound sarcastic - i just get tired of everything being like a double edged sword at the minute. There is of course the possibility that this latest treatment may just help me to feel better when i get my head around everything else taking it means to me.....I guess i just haven't got there yet!
You know sometimes i wish those who just don't 'get it' could be given just some of the medication i am taking at the minute just for a few days. Its always good when people can see for themselves what it is like trying to walk in another persons shoes and for me it is difficult to function through the drugs haze, the depression and the other medical issues I now have as well! I know i am not the only one - a lot of people with mental illness of any kind are taking enough medication to knock out a horse for goodness sake - i'm not saying its right or wrong here - the over prescribing of medication is another issue - i'm just saying it has a major effect on how full of energy we might feel! The next time you may be tempted to say "you just need to try" to someone with depression or when you hear those dreaded words yet again don't forget that many of us are trying and succeeding to wade through the haze a lot of the time, it takes a lot of energy to fight the invisible demons, to not sleep when you are exhausted, and to even just face the day!
Friday 6 January 2012
Where did I go to?
Its not a nice feeling when you can hardly recognise yourself....I sometimes find myself sitting somewhere and i catch sight of myself from a sort of projected me - you know like an outer body experience sort of thing but i do it deliberately - and i just don't know who it is i am looking at! It is me of course but its not!
I mean do you ever hear a recording of your voice and think......OMG i don't sound like that do i? Or even worse a video of yourself that you can't help but cringe because every 5 seconds you are doing the helicopter dance with your arms? and then you wonder why on earth no one tells you how silly you look? Its a bit like that.....but its a more subtle kind of difference, the sort of thing you notice about someone that you know well - their eyes are a little bit duller than usual, their smile is not so wide - you know there is something not quite right but its hard to put your finger on what it is.
Its funny, most people i have spoken to about it say they wish they had something more obviously wrong with them when they are depressed because that way others would actually know they were sick. Ironically though the fact that you become more and more conscious of yourself means that you feel like its not possible that people don't notice that there is something very 'odd' about you. I remember the first time i started to take medication i used to constantly look at my eyes in the mirror - I thought my pupils looked like saucers but yet no-one around me seemed to notice.....either that or they just thought i was constantly stoned or something and they just didn't want to ask.......
Anyway, i was talking about the feeling of not really knowing who you are anymore, i suppose thats down to the fact that pretty much everything that defines you as a person just seems to disappear into the void. On top of that there is also the pretence that goes on - the mask that comes out when you are forced into a situation when its just easier in some ways to smile and carry on as if there is nothing wrong. Its not easier to pretend to be ok though, its exhausting - sometimes its just less exhausting than trying to explain what is wrong. Pretending though adds a complication, not just for other people who can find it hard to understand how you can be ok sometimes but not ok a lot of the time too - It also complicates things in your own head - I mean how do you pretend to be yourself??? Honestly??? Its like a weird role playing form of torture - which you is the real you? and if i'm feeling a little bit better is that actually real or is it just something i've concocted, if its not real then when will the real feelings hit me once again? You confused yet?
So many things come into my head when i start to think about this you know - the idea of "faking it till you can make it", the idea of having a "positive mental attitude" and of course the "well you just have to try"........OMG it just makes me want to shout and scream;......or at least it would if i had any energy left from fighting all the mental torture, pretending to be ok, and putting myself into constantly scary situations.......
Yet throughout it all the real me does make an appearance now and then, my own thoughts put in an appearance in the midst of the chaos like the sudden and unmistakable smell that has the power to catapult you back to a certain place in time. It quickens the heart and excites the mind.......I'm still there, i haven't really been stolen away by the thief that crept into my mind while i wasn't watching.......
I mean do you ever hear a recording of your voice and think......OMG i don't sound like that do i? Or even worse a video of yourself that you can't help but cringe because every 5 seconds you are doing the helicopter dance with your arms? and then you wonder why on earth no one tells you how silly you look? Its a bit like that.....but its a more subtle kind of difference, the sort of thing you notice about someone that you know well - their eyes are a little bit duller than usual, their smile is not so wide - you know there is something not quite right but its hard to put your finger on what it is.
Its funny, most people i have spoken to about it say they wish they had something more obviously wrong with them when they are depressed because that way others would actually know they were sick. Ironically though the fact that you become more and more conscious of yourself means that you feel like its not possible that people don't notice that there is something very 'odd' about you. I remember the first time i started to take medication i used to constantly look at my eyes in the mirror - I thought my pupils looked like saucers but yet no-one around me seemed to notice.....either that or they just thought i was constantly stoned or something and they just didn't want to ask.......
Anyway, i was talking about the feeling of not really knowing who you are anymore, i suppose thats down to the fact that pretty much everything that defines you as a person just seems to disappear into the void. On top of that there is also the pretence that goes on - the mask that comes out when you are forced into a situation when its just easier in some ways to smile and carry on as if there is nothing wrong. Its not easier to pretend to be ok though, its exhausting - sometimes its just less exhausting than trying to explain what is wrong. Pretending though adds a complication, not just for other people who can find it hard to understand how you can be ok sometimes but not ok a lot of the time too - It also complicates things in your own head - I mean how do you pretend to be yourself??? Honestly??? Its like a weird role playing form of torture - which you is the real you? and if i'm feeling a little bit better is that actually real or is it just something i've concocted, if its not real then when will the real feelings hit me once again? You confused yet?
So many things come into my head when i start to think about this you know - the idea of "faking it till you can make it", the idea of having a "positive mental attitude" and of course the "well you just have to try"........OMG it just makes me want to shout and scream;......or at least it would if i had any energy left from fighting all the mental torture, pretending to be ok, and putting myself into constantly scary situations.......
Yet throughout it all the real me does make an appearance now and then, my own thoughts put in an appearance in the midst of the chaos like the sudden and unmistakable smell that has the power to catapult you back to a certain place in time. It quickens the heart and excites the mind.......I'm still there, i haven't really been stolen away by the thief that crept into my mind while i wasn't watching.......
Facing Demons
Its funny how we all have our own demons isn't it? Regardless of who we are and how we are feeling there is always something that we don't want to admit to having a fear about - sometimes it is a fear of being found out in something that we have done or said that we are ashamed of for whatever reason, sometimes its a fear of not being loved enough - does our partner really feel as much for us as we do for them? Sometimes its a fear of the unknown - what is going to happen to us? or even what the hell is going to be in this envelope?
For me at the minute i think i am scared of everything.......sometimes i'm scared to wake up in the morning, sometimes i'm scared of the thoughts in my head, sometimes its that frigging envelope thats just plopped through the letterbox thats likely to mean i have to DO something else now. A lot of the time i'm scared to go out of the house, I live in a constant state of fear that i'm going to mess up again, that i'm not good enough, that i'm going to say or do something stupid........but i guess the ultimate fear is one of not being able to cope. Is that not at the basis of all our fears though? Its the fear that we will not be able to deal with whatever the consequences of something will be is it not?
But what does that mean? What is coping? I'm coping just fine with my fear of leaving the house right now cos i'm sitting in my bedroom typing away perfectly content to be here if i'm honest.....interested actually to see where my thoughts are going with this......but even though i am content to sit here day after day i also know of the consequences of doing so. I know that people around me are worried and there is nothing i hate more than putting other people out in some way. I know they are worried that i am getting worse that its "not healthy" to be sat here all the time. The thing they don't seem to realise is sometimes i'm not hiding from the world, sometimes i'm just interacting with the world in a way thats not so risky for me right now. And why is it that its ok for them to sit and read or watch TV or surf the internet for days on end and not for me??? Its not like i haven't gone out when i have things to do.....just because i don't feel like going out into the cold, wet, stormy day that it is out there doesn't make me the crazy one now does it???
The thing is i know my behaviour is a bit odd at times.....then again when has it not been??? I have my own way of interacting with the world regardless of whether i am 'sick' or 'healthy'.......I am the one who knows the consequences of my actions all too bloody keenly - i have many of them replaying in my head day after day after all. Fact is sometimes i just feel able to take the risk of dipping my toe into what my mind has interpreted as a sea full of killer sharks and sometimes i dont, sometimes i might even go in up to my waist. There is one thing that i know for sure though, trying to force me to jump out of a helicopter into the middle of shark infested waters is not helpful - i know i will do it in my own time cos thats the sort of person i am - i have never let the fear of the unknown get in my way or i would never have got on a plane to India on my own.....but had i done that without putting things in place to make sure i was as safe as possible that would have just been stupid. I'm not a stupid person, I am just one who has been through a lot of crap recently and i am allowing myself to recover.....on my terms......the ones my mind is telling me it needs. Strangely even though it does send me the most bizarre messages at times i still trust my own mind to know how to heal itself......
For me at the minute i think i am scared of everything.......sometimes i'm scared to wake up in the morning, sometimes i'm scared of the thoughts in my head, sometimes its that frigging envelope thats just plopped through the letterbox thats likely to mean i have to DO something else now. A lot of the time i'm scared to go out of the house, I live in a constant state of fear that i'm going to mess up again, that i'm not good enough, that i'm going to say or do something stupid........but i guess the ultimate fear is one of not being able to cope. Is that not at the basis of all our fears though? Its the fear that we will not be able to deal with whatever the consequences of something will be is it not?
But what does that mean? What is coping? I'm coping just fine with my fear of leaving the house right now cos i'm sitting in my bedroom typing away perfectly content to be here if i'm honest.....interested actually to see where my thoughts are going with this......but even though i am content to sit here day after day i also know of the consequences of doing so. I know that people around me are worried and there is nothing i hate more than putting other people out in some way. I know they are worried that i am getting worse that its "not healthy" to be sat here all the time. The thing they don't seem to realise is sometimes i'm not hiding from the world, sometimes i'm just interacting with the world in a way thats not so risky for me right now. And why is it that its ok for them to sit and read or watch TV or surf the internet for days on end and not for me??? Its not like i haven't gone out when i have things to do.....just because i don't feel like going out into the cold, wet, stormy day that it is out there doesn't make me the crazy one now does it???
The thing is i know my behaviour is a bit odd at times.....then again when has it not been??? I have my own way of interacting with the world regardless of whether i am 'sick' or 'healthy'.......I am the one who knows the consequences of my actions all too bloody keenly - i have many of them replaying in my head day after day after all. Fact is sometimes i just feel able to take the risk of dipping my toe into what my mind has interpreted as a sea full of killer sharks and sometimes i dont, sometimes i might even go in up to my waist. There is one thing that i know for sure though, trying to force me to jump out of a helicopter into the middle of shark infested waters is not helpful - i know i will do it in my own time cos thats the sort of person i am - i have never let the fear of the unknown get in my way or i would never have got on a plane to India on my own.....but had i done that without putting things in place to make sure i was as safe as possible that would have just been stupid. I'm not a stupid person, I am just one who has been through a lot of crap recently and i am allowing myself to recover.....on my terms......the ones my mind is telling me it needs. Strangely even though it does send me the most bizarre messages at times i still trust my own mind to know how to heal itself......
Thursday 5 January 2012
Am i really a crazy person?
Simple answer - No...., well maybe??
Complicated Answer - It all depends on how we look at these things doesn't it?
I have been called crazy because its not unheard of for me to get up and dance on a table.....perfectly sober as well I might add - I did it in school actually (although i wasn't always sober there now that i think about that.....ok so not quite a good example but you get the idea right?). I have also left a job, packed up my belongings and headed off to uni at the age of 30 - got called crazy then too! Went off to India on my own for a holiday- yep got called crazy then too! I could give you a thousand or more examples of when i have been called crazy but i supposed to others it would be more of a 'live wire' or something. This journal is not going to be all about my exploits of dancing on tables though, you see I could also quote many times when i have actually felt completely totally and utterly barking mad - i mean the i really need to be locked up kinda mad - I was diagnosed with severe depression when i was 18 and well its just not right when you feel like your head is going to explode, or maybe implode! But hey this journal is not going to be all about how crap i feel at times either - that would just be another sad tale of woe -my god we all have enough of that on soaps don't we?
So what is it going to be about??? honestly i don't know yet! My plan is simply to write and see what comes out - it will be about my life - could be past stuff, could be now stuff or could even be plans for the future if and when i actually make some of them. Could be about the nonsense i think about or about or the horror i feel, it could even be about how i would like there to be world peace........hahahaha yes i'm one of them!!!
So there you go, no promises made, no clues about what is to come. If you want to read then feel free, if you want to comment then feel free, and if you decide i'm crazy then so be it! One word of warning - i will not put up with abuse or spamming - you wanna do that then go somewhere else, and if you don't like what i'm saying then go somewhere else - I'm choosing to write it and you are choosing to read it - we both have the option to stop......Agreed??
Ok so if i haven't put you off see you on the next post :)
Complicated Answer - It all depends on how we look at these things doesn't it?
I have been called crazy because its not unheard of for me to get up and dance on a table.....perfectly sober as well I might add - I did it in school actually (although i wasn't always sober there now that i think about that.....ok so not quite a good example but you get the idea right?). I have also left a job, packed up my belongings and headed off to uni at the age of 30 - got called crazy then too! Went off to India on my own for a holiday- yep got called crazy then too! I could give you a thousand or more examples of when i have been called crazy but i supposed to others it would be more of a 'live wire' or something. This journal is not going to be all about my exploits of dancing on tables though, you see I could also quote many times when i have actually felt completely totally and utterly barking mad - i mean the i really need to be locked up kinda mad - I was diagnosed with severe depression when i was 18 and well its just not right when you feel like your head is going to explode, or maybe implode! But hey this journal is not going to be all about how crap i feel at times either - that would just be another sad tale of woe -my god we all have enough of that on soaps don't we?
So what is it going to be about??? honestly i don't know yet! My plan is simply to write and see what comes out - it will be about my life - could be past stuff, could be now stuff or could even be plans for the future if and when i actually make some of them. Could be about the nonsense i think about or about or the horror i feel, it could even be about how i would like there to be world peace........hahahaha yes i'm one of them!!!
So there you go, no promises made, no clues about what is to come. If you want to read then feel free, if you want to comment then feel free, and if you decide i'm crazy then so be it! One word of warning - i will not put up with abuse or spamming - you wanna do that then go somewhere else, and if you don't like what i'm saying then go somewhere else - I'm choosing to write it and you are choosing to read it - we both have the option to stop......Agreed??
Ok so if i haven't put you off see you on the next post :)
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