The Child Within?

A lot of popular psychology, or self help books as they are more commonly known as, talk in terms of the need to nurture the child who lives within us all.  There are so many possible interpretations of this though are there not? Who is the inner child? Are they the part of us who have not reached emotional maturity? Are they the part that simply demands our own needs be fulfilled or we risk a tantrum? Or are they the part of us that have carried with us certain messages we have received as children and not left behind? Maybe all of these parts are one in the same???

To me the child within is not a young and immature side of ourselves, but a part that has become vulnerable for one reason or another.  It might be because of childhood lessons, but it might equally be because of experiences we have had as an adult.  It is a part of us that has become scarred and in need of protection - or at least that is the belief our minds have come to hold.  When our particular vulnerability is revealed our minds interpret this as a signal to curl up like a hedgehog and show our spikes to the world - stay away from there it shouts and screams in its own strange language, you cannot risk being hurt yet again! But strangely in my experience, in order to heal it seems it is the opposite action than the one the mind tries to take that is necessary.

Let me explain a little about how the mind works before i take this thought further - The mind is full of shortcuts.  It tries to be an efficient machine and do things quickly and automatically.  I was trying to explain this to a friend the other day with the analogy of a shortcut across a grassy area - when the grass is walked over enough times it becomes bare and a path appears.  In time the path turns into a rut in the ground where the grass is unlikely to grow. At the same time any other paths become overgrown and hidden.  This is what happens in the mind when we have certain similar experiences - particular neural pathways become a shortcut which tells us what has happened in previous similiar situations.  If our past experience has been a positive one we learn that we have nothing to fear from it happening again, however negative experiences of course lead to fear and attempts to avoid these particular experiences as much as possible.  Repeated negative experiences lead to almost impenetrable forcefields of phobic proportions.

Going back to my thought then that in order to heal it seems it is the opposite action than the one the mind tries to take that is necessary.  What i mean by this is to remember the rut that has been formed in the mind by earlier experiences, and the mind will follow this rut each and every time - it has already learned that experience A = pain and hurt - it tells you it does not need to experience this again to know the outcome.  It sets off the warning bells to say you are treading dangerously close to your vulnerability. Also because the track is worn and easy to follow it will always take you to the conclusion that you need to avoid this area - don't let anyone near there or you will get hurt AGAIN! In this case though what you are doing is re-enforcing the belief that you are vulnerable, and each time you avoid it you are acknowledging the 'weakness'.  In order to heal that scar you need to learn that actually you CAN cope with this experience, you need to start a new pathway in your brain that says experience A does NOT lead to pain and hurt.  This cannot happen when you do what the mind tells you to, because it is screaming at you to avoid it at all costs.

I am not saying taking the path less worn is easy.  Its not! Its full of jungle like undergrowth that you have to beat your way through at times, and your mind will continue to try and take you back to the path well worn.  Even when you make it through to the other end of the new path it still takes effort to walk it again.  Eventually as the new path gets used more frequently it becomes easier and eventually a new shortcut is created.

So what does all this mean for the Child Within? The vulnerable one we all hold inside? It means that the child needs to learn and needs to experience the very thing that its trying to avoid.  It needs someone to point it in another direction and help it lay down another path.  It means the fear and automatic response to curl up and show our spikes is a sign that we need to pay attention to what has triggered that response.  It means we need to be aware of what we are doing and we can choose to stop reinforcing the belief that we have to hide this part of ourselves from the world.  It also means though, that we need to tread with care and deliberation because our ever efficient mind will keep trying to lead us to the same conclusion, the same well worn path that we are used to.

A Journey Through Change

I woke up this morning with a sort of wonderment as to how i had got here........someone mentioned something about birds and bees??? hahahahahaha! No, of course i mean to the place i am in my life right now and how it is different from where i have been, even just from the start of Journal of a Crazy Person.  That prompted a read back over all my posts so far and i have to say i think i have come pretty far! So now i am curious about what has happened to move me from where i was to where i am now.......

Its useful to review changes i think and check really that they are in the direction i want to go.  Obviously the direction i wanted initially was just to stop feeling so flipping awful! Today as i sit here and write i can say, "yeah, i think i have moved that way ok".  I say today, because i am extremely aware of the fact my moods still remain quite unstable. Generally though they are better than they were before which is good news indeed :)

After i started to feel better my direction started to become more complex.  It was about things like work and relationships and finances and all those deeper level things (assuming we are starting with basic needs at the top and working down the way that is!).  I started off really with no direction at all in these areas, simply because i couldn't even give them any head space - all of my energy and resources were taken up simply trying to survive! Now i seem to have found a direction i want to go in with the work situation and i am practically sprinting down that road....in a mental sense of course as i couldn't run round in a circle at the minute!!

I do have my moments of doubt with this one it has to be said, I fluster and panic and question what on earth i am doing quite frequently.  This is not because of uncertainty about wanting to head in this direction but is uncertainty about my ability to do it.  I hear it all the time from lots of different sources, including evidence from my own past and present, that my ability's are pretty high, yet i continue to doubt myself! If i talk about that doubt to people around me it seems (to me anyway) that i am seeking praise rather than the assurance that i really am seeking in these situations.  Despite the fact that i 'know' i can do something it is not false modesty when i say i'm not sure if i can do it.  Its an odd paradox that one, to have confidence yet lack it at the same time!

My direction with relationships is almost but not quite completely missing.  I am starting to build up relationships again but these are limited to a couple of quite new but very good friends.  I do have thoughts that other relationships in my life need working on and most of them need to be completely rebuilt if that is possible.  At the minute i am not really sure how i am going to do that if i am honest as i have lost practically all contact with people who were once my closest and dearest friends.  It happens unfortunately, and the duration and depth of my depression is mostly to blame.  Some responsibility also has to lie with the focus i have had, and continue to have on my work situation however.

I have had to struggle a huge amount to even find that new direction in my work life and i know it has been taking up practically all of my energy and and thoughts.  It is tough to set up a new business, especially in the current climate, and many people find starting off takes up a vast chunk of their daily lives.  I do however believe with me it is more than that - oh that didn't quite come out right - I mean i think the whole work situation i have been through shook me to my very core and so the links between my health and me needing to find a completely new career are extremely close knit.

In summary then, my relationships are still needing a huge amount of work, but my energy is currently focussed elsewhere.  Is this healthy? I have to ask......"probably not" just has to be the response to this - hmmmmmmmm.  This needs further thought!

Finances then, i did have these almost under control at one stage, not sorted by any means, but manageable.  I have since lost my direction with this! It is sort of part of the overall plan of course, but again the focus on starting the business has taken its toll.  I have taken my eye off the ball with my finances and the effects of that are showing.  I urgently need to regain some control in this area or i am going to end up slipping quite far back.  I am struggling to pay attention to different areas of my life at the one time at the minute but i am going to have to try and juggle what mental resources i have a bit better to prevent this becoming more of an issue again.

Oh thats quite odd, i started this post intending on talking about how i got from A to B and instead i end up talking about getting from B to C.  That was a complete turnaround from focussing on the past to the future.  A sort of stopping, taking stock and replanning just took over my thought processes! I'm not complaining, i think it has been good.....it just sort of took me by surprise thats all :).  Maybe i will get to look at how i got here in the next post :)

Foot in Mouth Disease???

Hmmmmmmm, without looking back at my previous post i am guessing it was about truth, so it seems a bit ironic that this post is about opening my mouth and putting my foot in it........I suppose when i think about it, i am simply confirming my confusion about when and how and why (or why not) it is 'right' to tell the truth! 

I upset a friend today! I was trying to be helpful and it all went a bit wrong :( I was also trying to be sensitive to their needs and yet it backfired and appeared to them to be something quite the opposite of sensitivity.  It was interesting to find however, when we discussed it that what i truly thought to be a 'helping action' was possibly more about my needs than theirs.  Perhaps i should try to explain.......

My friend confided in me about a problem they were having and about the impact it was having on their life, and me being me tried to come up with an idea to help - I am a problem solver, I know that - give me a problem and i will turn it over in my head until i can come up with some ideas that might help to resolve the problem.  I am not saying i am particularly good at it or anything, just that my mind works in this way almost automatically.  I will then share ideas, or try them out myself if it is my problem, and this is what i did today.  Nothing wrong with that you might think....but the question going around in my head is about whose needs was i trying to meet?

I hate to see anyone struggling, and this feeling is very much intensified when that person is someone i care about. So does that mean i am actually responding to my own needs by trying to help???? It is like that belief that there really is no such thing as an altruistic act.  This does not come as any real surprise to me i have to point out - the concept of altruism is something i have pondered over many a time!!!! My point here is did i put my foot in it because i was following my own needs to help, rather than actually being helpful? Are the two things even separable???  Do you see where the confusion kicks in???? Have i melted your head yet??? LOL!!!

To add to the confusion of the day, i also had an experience where i decided to tell the truth about something else, to another friend.  It was a day for honesty it seems! Oddly however this truth was the one that i was expecting to backfire to a certain extent:  I had hidden something from this person and decided to fess up to it today.  Yet this truth was met with thanks and worked out very well which did surprise me to a certain extent, but was also good :) It also makes my head go totally dolally though cos how is one truth right and one truth wrong???????? Its not the whose need is being met theory because it was my need to confess that motivated the second truth........

Oh, hold the phone.......friend number one just came back to me and said us being honest with each other is a good thing and we should keep doing it even though it can be a bit upsetting at times!!!! So today the truth wins the bet :) I am happy yet still confused.......I think about things too much - is that what you are thinking??? I know! It wouldn't be the Journal of a Crazy Person without me sharing my mad thoughts now would it???? 

Up and down and round and round!

I had a brilliant day yesterday - i managed to go out to the market even though i have had a really bad head for days (slept for about 36hrs i think this time!),  had a great catch up with some friends and even managed to sell quite a lot of my house clutter.  I was positively bouncing yesterday - literally at one point LOL! It also came to me as a huge surprise when i realised on my home that not once had i felt the awful fear that has shadowed my every move for so long.  So long in fact that i was beginning to think i had an evil twin!!! 


Its funny how acutely i have felt the fear practically every day, and yet it took me the whole day to notice it wasn't there yesterday.....I did get myself flustered a few times but that is a completely different feeling.  


Today however i feel quite low again.  I can't get myself focussed on anything and when i try to do something it just seems to go rather pear shaped! I have ended up frustrating myself to the point of screaming and wanting to hide under the duvet.  If i am honest about it with myself i know i'm just tired - it still takes a lot out of me to go to the market.  The sensible and gentle side of me says "just take it easy today" but the evil twin says "you are just rubbish at everything you try to do so why bother?" oh and "what exactly do you think you are doing anyway? Its all going to fall apart if you keep going......"


Today the light relief of yesterday feels like it was simply a dream as my mind battles with itself to gain control.  Thoughts ping around inside my head like a superball on speed, tiring and confusing me - which thought do i follow? which voice do i heed? If i try to be gentle with myself is it just an excuse for depression to stomp all over me yet again? Round and  round and round she goes, and where she stops no-one knows!  

Whoa Girl! Lift that lead boot!

My granny always used to talk about people driving around with lead boots and it just popped into my head there when i was pondering what i wanted to write about today - funny how that happens, eh? She may be gone but she still talks away to me.......


Anyway, today i just have been thinking about what i am doing at the minute.  I have this idea that i don't ever want to be working for someone else again, that i need to do something that protects me from the nonsense that i have been put through over the past few years and that means working for myself. I have managed to talk myself into working in a self employed role related to the craft side of my life that used to be such a big part of who i was.  I was selling products i made to shops at the age of 17/18 but somehow this disappeared into a 'real' job scenario.


The desire to work for myself has always been a strong one - my family have pretty much all worked for themselves and so the business ethos is no stranger to me......and neither is the hard work associated with that.  As usual i appear to be hurtling towards this goal at breakneck speed - the decision has been made and the ideas just seem to pour out of my brain like a waterfall, so i find it hard to take a slow and steady approach.  Usually however i am able to keep up with my thoughts and manage juggling 10 different thought processes at one time, but i have to admit to struggling with it at the minute.  I keep telling myself to slow down but i honestly don't know how to do it.


I have to find a way to take control of things again though, because i can feel it all drifting away from me.  I have worked so hard to start sorting out my debts over the past few years and yet at the minute its all going a bit pear-shaped.  I am spending money that i can't afford to spend and getting myself into a position where i am not even thinking about what i am doing before i buy something else.  I know i will be able to resell the things i'm buying - thats the whole point of buying it.  I am however having trouble following up the buying with even advertising it for sale though! I can hardly run a business if i don't do the most important part of it - selling things on to make a profit! It amazes me that i have so little restraint at the minute, but i think it may be related to my medication in a way - i have very little restraint in so many different areas of my life i know it is more than just getting a little bit carried away! It is a dangerous combination - excitement, ideas and lack of impulse control = me spending money like its going out of fashion and running about like a headless chicken in the process! I need to lift that lead boot, sit back and take a much more planned approach.........planning has never been a strong point of mine but i know i can do it if i just manage to focus for long enough!! 

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!!

Its been such a long time since i posted on this blog and the reason i stopped was because i was getting tired of hearing myself moaning.  I'm not usually a negative person and i know that my depression can take over and suck the positivity right out of me at times, but i'm glad i can recognise it and try to do something about it at least! 


Recently however i have started to become very thoughtful and curious again - i wonder about so many things! Its something i really enjoy doing and it is that sort of thought process i would like to be able to talk about in this blog - Thats what i wanted it to be about originally and so i'm happy to be able to return to it in the right frame of mind again.  Today i had a moment of wonder thats i'd like to share and to develop as my mind follows the twists and turns in my head.  This was the thought:


Its funny how things you believe get turned on their heads isn't it - I was always taught that telling the truth was the right thing to do when i was a child.......yet the older i get the more it seems that not being honest about things is valued by others. Its no wonder that people get confused!! I open my mouth and the truth comes out, always has and always will - why is it that some people have such a problem with that??? 


For me to wonder freely with this thought i feel i need to share something relevant to it - Thoughout my life i have had the feeling that i have been labelled as a troublemaker on various occasions.  Its not something that i understand much because i'm simply not one of those people who go around trying to stir things up.  I believe myself to be a kind, sensitive and genuine person - yes i do believe in calling a spade a spade, but i also try to do it with compassion at least most of the time! 


To me a truth is a simple thing - of course there can be various viewpoints about something, but to me a truth is simply a true reflection of what is going on in your head at any given time.  We might not want to share everything that goes on in the privacy of our minds - i'm not talking about having no filter of our thoughts, but if we choose to share it is it not simple to just say what has gone through our minds? 


Yet it seems that rather than just filtering and smoothing off some of the rough edges of our thoughts, somehow it seems to be more acceptable to actually lie than to tell the truth these days.  Is it not easier to actually know what another person is thinking? To me it is a much easier way of living than trying to figure out the fact they actually are thinking "oh that is so awful" when they say "yes thats lovely".  


When i think over the difficult times in my life, including this one, the common theme running through it is one of not understanding.  Yet i'm not a stupid person, i understand a great deal of things.  The confusion therefore has almost always related to the fact that i have been told one thing and yet experienced the opposite.  Its confusing for someone to say they love you yet their actions indicate they don't want to spend any time with you is it not? Its confusing for someone to say they are a friend when their actions show betrayal! For me most recently its confusing for an organisation to say they value people with experience of mental illness when they trample over you at the first signs of depression! 


Many times i have wondered how i could get something so wrong, yet the only thing i believe i have done is actually take someone at their word.  Do i miss some sort of social unwritten rule? We all know the one about answering the question "does my bum look big in this?" Surely i'm not the only one who actually would prefer if someone said "well its not the best really, why not wear that one instead?" 


Is it a cultural thing? I don't know! All in know is i was taught its a good thing to tell the truth, yet i seem to get into trouble for telling the truth, and not only that but the people doing the opposite of what they say just glide on through without a worry in the world! It really does make me think i am crazy at times - it turns my head inside out wondering how they don't get caught out in their dishonesty when to me its as clear as the nose on my face! Do people really not want to know the truth? Or is it only if its a truth they want to hear? Are we not big enough to be able to hear something that may be less than flattering? 


Personally i believe life would be so much easier if we didn't have to pretend we like the meal someone has made in fear of looking rude! Is it not more rude to leave most of the meal and the person wondering what was wrong with it than simply to say "I'm sorry i don't like jam on my beans!!" LOL! Is it not easier to actually have trust in what a person says rather than trying to read between the lines or figure out what they are actually thinking? and how much wondering and confusion would it save us all if we knew that the promises made by anyone were genuine! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know it would certainly save a lot of headaches and heartaches.......so why is it that its not as simple as "doing what it says on the tin"!

Looking Forward

Its really been a hard few days since the appeal and i slept almost solidly for 3 days afterwards - it just shows how much of an impact it has had on me!!

Anyway since that has now been overturned i would like to try and use the time i have as breathing space and maybe even planning space - i know i am going to be expected to start working again soon enough and i do actually want to get myself to a place where i can see that as a possibility again.  I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get to 'that place' in my head but i know that i can start to make some small steps towards it at least.  The first thing for me is to actually consider what options i have for future employment and more and more i seem to have the idea that something to do with welfare rights is the path i would like to take.  This is not a new thought at all, i applied for welfare rights courses through work before i became ill again, but the whole experience i have had has also strengthened that idea.

Now i have to work on various aspects of my life to start to move forward and away from the pain of the past experiences.  I know i can do it, i have done it many times before, and lets face it i am simply too stubborn to let myself be beaten!

Success at Last???

Finally something seems to have gone right - I had to attend the tribunal hearing thingy yesterday and the good news is that i won the appeal.  I was so worried about the possibility that i would be considered fit for work and would have to start doing the whole jobseekers routine.  I can hardly go into the JBO at times when i have an appointment there never mind have to go through the process of proving i was applying for jobs that i am not well enough to actually do.

Don't get me wrong, i completely agree that the system has been exploited for years, and i would even go as far as to say that some of the changes that are being made are in the right general direction.  It does however feel very much like everyone is being tarred with the one brush - that everyone is being treated as if they are the culprits guilty of benefit fraud.  I know that there is a particular difficulty in assessments of people with mental health conditions as well, and i fully believe in the therapeutic aspect of work activity for mental health conditions, but there has to be a better way for the system to progress.

As i said, i actually won my appeal, and i got the zero points allocation i initially got changed to 21.  The whole process though has been traumatic, has caused a deterioration in my mental health and is degrading to say the least.  I have spent the whole day today in bed and have been extremely tearful.  I feel as if i have been raped.  I honestly can't think of any alternative way of describing this experience, and i certainly do not use the term lightly.  I keep thinking i should be feeling good - i keep repeating over and over in my head that i WON the appeal - i should be celebrating, right? So why do i feel so dirty and powerless?

Trying to get back on an even keel

Well here i am trying once again, fighting for an ounce of sanity.  Its been a really hard few days to get through but realising that the HRT was having an influence on my mood has made it a little easier to bear - Its funny how having some sort of explanation for such a low mood can help to cope with it somehow, i suppose its the knowing that it will pass again quite soon.

The last few days have been like being on a scary ride at the fun park - a ghost train ride really..... but i am the ghost.  I could hardly bear to put my thoughts and feelings into words so the fact i am writing today is a good sign.  I am still in a lot of physical pain.  I am walking like an old woman with bad joint pain and i have been living with heat packs strapped around me for days - its the only thing that seems to help.  It just doesn't seem right that i should be in so much pain just because i will be having a period soon - i wish it would just come and be done with.

I did manage to look up some info on HRT and it says the first few months tend to be the worst, 3 months is the recommended timescale for letting it settle down.  As far as i remember the first month i had 2 weeks of what i can only describe as severe PMT or PMS with feeling sick, pain in my head and my stomach etc so this time it does seem a little shorter - we will see soon!

Having such a bad day!

I have had enough, i am so tired of feeling like shit.  No matter what i do i just don't feel any better.  Its the first time for a few weeks that i have had thoughts of hurting myself.

So what can i do today? I am struggling to even do my online stuff today.  I have slept so much i can't sleep anymore, i watch the tv and constantly there are images that hurt me to see.  I feel like i have a straight jacket on, my back and my neck are agony.  Even my calves are sore - i remember reading somewhere that is a sign of stress! How funny!

I have just had a bath and the only thing going through my head is what is the point of life? For me life feels like a cruel joke. I have spent so much of my life feeling sick, in pain or just tortured by my own thoughts.  That was in between the thoughts of cutting myself with the razor that was sitting just above my head, or drinking the bleach that i saw sitting beside the toilet.

I know i need to find some meaning in my life, i have known that for a long time, but i just don't know how to.  I have been trying to do things to feel useful and it seems to work for a little while.  I think what is happening at the minute is the HRT is having a big impact on my mood.  I feel ok ish when i am taking the first half of the tablets but now i am halfway through the second lot - i seem to remember feeling bad at this time last month as well - its like the ultimate pmt.  What can i do though? is it normal to feel like this on it? Is it likely to get better with time?

I never did get my blood test done to check the levels of hormones - i guess that is something i really should do asap.

For now, i just feel like i have to try and get the day over with. How i do this today i really don't know!

Positive Steps

I think i have mentioned before that i have used what i call my positive steps challenge on and off throughout my life as a way of coping or possibly even over-coming my depression.  Now that i think about it i would say it was in my last post i spoke about it!

Anyway, today i just logged in to MSE which is where i now complete my challenge, along with several others who have joined in with me too, and it struck me again just how useful the challenge is.  It may seem a bit daft and an exaggeration to say this challenge has magic powers, but sometimes that is exactly how it feels.  Reading through other peoples posts on there today it just made me smile so much when they said it was really helping them too!  I know it seems like a really simple thing, but it is based on a lot of my own knowledge of psychology and depression as well as personal experience, and now the feedback from others as well.

The way i use the challenge is this: First of all, depending on my mood and current level of ability to complete the challenge i set myself a goal of a certain number of positive steps to achieve in a day.  The good thing about it is i can do this challenge at whatever level i choose from 1 step to as many as i can fit in a day.  Trust me sometimes it is a struggle to achieve the 1 step and sometimes its not enough of a challenge for me to aim for 10 or even 20, but that is the whole point - it is about setting myself a goal that is sufficient enough to challenge me a bit without trying to over-stretch myself either.

The other thing about it is I could start off with the aiming for 1 step and then maybe it helps me to have done something, so i might decide to aim for another one.  The 'trick' i think is about knowing where to set the limit for the day - ultimately this means being in tune with my own state of mind and being able to distinguish between low motivation and just plain can't be arsed - I think other people with the experience of depression know what i'm getting at here?? I know some days i just do very little which has nothing to do with my depression in the same way that everyone else has those days too!

Today i have set myself a target of 10 positive steps, 5 of which relate to my online earning accounts and 5 of which relate to general house things and 'me' things.  So far i have managed to do quite a few really:

Online accounts - swagbucks, superpoints, free bingo, free lottery, checked freebies options, cleared email account 1 of junk mail/unwanted stuff, changed email notification on facebook, wrote post for money making blog,  and of course writing this post.

House stuff - folded up washing, put another wash on, and put recycling out.

Me stuff - now thats where i get a bit stuck.......oh i got up at 10.30 cos i am trying to get my sleep pattern back into something that resembles normal even though i didn't go to bed until 5ish and am about to go have a shower......

I have some more bits i want to do as well, which hopefully i will manage on top of those 14 things i have already done - how good is that? and i even feel good about having achieved so many :)

Right shower beckons......hope you have a positive day too :)

I AM trying.........Not to be hard on myself

Everywhere i go to talk about the problems i have the same words get said to me - "stop being so hard on yourself". It comes up so frequently i would be foolish to ignore it!

But how do you stop being hard on yourself? Its a bit of an odd thing isn't it? and where on earth does it come from?

I suppose when i hear people saying i shouldn't be so hard on myself i imagine what they are talking about is that little voice in my head......the one that says things like you are so stupid, you are rubbish at this, you have to  do better - I call it my chatterbox.  Everyone has one, that inner voice that never really seems to stop - how many times has yours asked what on earth are you doing? or why are you doing that? or my favourite why did i say THAT! ?

So if everyone has one then what makes mine any different to anyone else's? I thought everyone's inner voice had that critical edge to it - its about self monitoring (i actually did a study on this at uni) and its our way of guiding ourselves and giving ourselves feedback about ourselves and situations.  So if thats what it does surely then everyone's chatterbox lets them know when they are doing something wrong - it wouldn't work otherwise would it?

The way i see it is if i am going to learn to stop being so hard on myself then i a few options:

• stop the chattering happening altogether
• stop the negative chattering
• not listen to the negative chattering
• increase the positive chattering
• make a conscious effort to listen to the positive chattering

hmmmmm its not easy to know how to do any of these things really, but i would say as everyone has a chatterbox then the first option is nonsense.  If it does provide you with guidance then there has to be a certain degree of negative in there doesn't there? We all need constructive criticism to be able to learn so maybe that is the key here - it needs to be constructive! This is where it gets a bit tricky - i have no access to other people's chatterbox so how do i know what is it that other people say to themselves??? lol

Anyway, i suppose what i think i have to do is learn to recognise the just being critical voice and try to stop paying attention to that so much.  Or maybe its about challenging it - that makes more sense to me than trying to stop thinking a certain way - that always reminds me of the white bear experiment - do it now to see what i mean - its really simple, just close your eyes and tell yourself NOT to think about a white bear.............and what is the first thing that comes into your mind? Mine is always a picture of the coke ad white bear hahahaha! 

I have read a lot about positive affirmations which relate to this topic quite a bit - the idea that you should look in the mirror and say something good about yourself - i don't know about anyone else but i just find this almost impossible - i just feel ridiculous which maybe in itself says a lot!! Years ago when i started to read up about positive affirmation i decided i would kept a dairy just for writing one positive thing about myself each day rather than talking to myself in the mirror - i do remember it being very difficult to start with and getting easier as i went on - i still have that dairy as well :) 

On a similar note i have used what i call my positive steps challenge - each day i think about what positive steps i have taken towards any of my goals and i write them down.  Some days i don't have too many and other days i have loads - its funny though how you really have to think about what positive things you have managed to do at times - to me its like a kind of backward to do list and its funny how it helps to think more positively about what you have done but also gives you a kind of target - i start to think during the day now what can i add to my positive steps dairy for today? so i give myself something to do so i can write it down.  The thing i personally need to be careful about is writing a to do list and using it to give myself far too many things to do.  This way however i tend to give myself one thing at a time to do - and usually it leads to getting a few things done each day :) whether that counts as more positive self talk or not i'm not really sure just yet - i think i am going to try and pay some closer attention to my chatterbox over the next few days and see what its saying, challenge it when i feel i am being 'just critical' and see what happens when i do my positive steps challenge - will be interesting to see what comes up :) 

I AM trying......to sort out my finances

There are a lot of things that we take for granted in life......until they are taken away from us.  For me one of those things was my income.  Although i have had some long term absences from work due to health reasons i have usually been lucky enough to have been paid during these times.  Unfortunately as i was taking my income for granted i did get myself into a situation with credit cards and loans etc while i was working - it was fine while i was earning but as soon as my sick pay stopped i was in trouble - big trouble!!

Considering the amount of stress that is associated with financial difficulties in general, never mind when you also have to deal with mental health issues as well, this had to be one of the most urgent issues that i needed to take care of.  The problem is this: how exactly do you 'take care' of financial issues when every time you try to think about it your head turns all the figures and names into a jumble, when your head is so confused you can't even read what is written on a piece of paper - thats if you can even just get the courage up to open the letter in the first place.

On top of that then there are all sorts of issues about having to admit to being in trouble - everyone who has ever had to speak to someone with regard to their finances probably has had the same sort of feelings of embarrassment and shame - I'm not trying to say that this feeling is unique at all, what is different though is how those feelings feed the already negative view of yourself when you also have depression.  It provides yet another set of evidence 'proving' just how stupid, hopeless, useless and worthless you are when you can't even deal with your own finances - there does seem to be a particular sense of irresponsibility associated with money issues doesn't there? I guess its that association with it being 'your own fault' that as an adult you 'should know better' - all of this is exaggerated when depression is twisting your thoughts, and that is a very dangerous combination.

Despite having got myself into this difficulty I have never had financial problems before - i have always been proud of the fact that i was a hard working and responsible person when it came to money.  I honestly don't remember a time when i had to ask anyone for money - i was always in control of it so much so that i was able to make various investments at the age of 18 - not that i have any of them left anymore.

Now looking back over things i know that i was overstretching myself, i can see that i got lured into having too many credit cards with the promise of 0% interest deals, but perhaps most of all i never expected to be unable to work.  Anyone reading this may think well perhaps i should have had some kind of income insurance, and trust me i had looked into all of these options.  However because i had depression almost before i began my working life i would not have been entitled to any payment through any of these insurance schemes.

So, how was i to cope? I had all sorts of debts to pay as well as my mortgage payments and living expenses -  I had no option but to ask for help.  I eventually contacted CCCS and explained the circumstances as best i could in my state of mind and I have to say they were extremely helpful.  It took me several telephone appointments with them to get all the information together but once i was able to just tell them the information about who i owed money to and the amount i owed to each of them they just took all of that information and came up with a payment plan - it literally took away any of the need to think about anything which is exactly what i needed.  I now just have the one payment to make - i pay CCCS every month by direct debit and they deal with everything on my behalf.  You have no idea how much stress that lifted from me.  They also were able to tell me about various things i could apply for which i had no idea of - help with my rates for example.  I did still have quite a bit of trouble filling in the forms if i am honest - i could only maybe answer 1 or 2 questions at any one time, but at least i got there in the end.

I am still finding bills coming in that i was completely unaware of or simply wasn't expecting, and i have had to ask for quite a lot of help with these things over the past few years.  I still find it extremely difficult to admit that i can't cope with my finances - quite frankly if i get any bill in that is not included in my CCCS plan i usually don't know what to do with it.  Sometimes i feel like i am taking one step forward and then 10 backwards where money is concerned, however i do try to be as frugal as i can so i can pay an extra £1 off a bill if possible and i use as many vouchers as possible - usually ones i have 'earned' online by using various get paid to websites - get paid to search, get paid to watch adverts, collecting points in whatever way i can really.  Its not a living, or anywhere near it, but the way i see it now is literally every penny counts - i save all my pennies (the little copper ones!) and pay them off another bill when i get £1.  It may take me many many years to get debt free again and if i ever manage to repair my credit file it will be a miracle........but each extra £1 i pay off my debts is another step closer to being back in control of that stuff that apparently makes the world go round! I'll be happy when it just makes the bills go away!

I AM trying........to feel better about myself

One of the most difficult things about depression in my opinion is the way it undermines any and every scrap of self worth that you have.  Everything, and i mean everything becomes not just negative but also self focused.  So instead of being able to understand that there are usually several reasons to explain why something doesn't work out the way I expect it to everything that goes 'wrong' is somehow because of me - its because i am stupid, a failure, cursed even, any vague connection that there is to me for something going wrong is because of my involvement.  To be honest if i could figure out a connection for it the latest world tragedy would be my fault as well.

Ok so that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.....but that is exactly the the point.......everything does become exaggerated but only in negative way.  In addition this happens while at the same time anything positive that might happen becomes minimised and outer focussed....so anything that does work out well was only because of the actions of someone else.  I call it the anti-rose coloured glasses filter!

To understand the anti-rose coloured glasses idea you also need to understand that this is something that happens because of the illness, it is not a choice.  It is a certain way of thinking and it is something that can be changed....eventually.  But it is not something that depressed people choose to do - what i mean by that is we don't deliberately try to see the worst case scenario in everything - its just automatically the first thing that comes to mind - we can see that this is happening but because of how we feel it is a deeply held belief about ourselves.  If i can try and put this into some perspective.....which really isn't that easy unless you have experienced it......trying to explain to someone who is depressed that something is not their fault is like trying to convince them that the sun is shining and its a hot summer day when they are freezing and feeling the rain soak their skin - everything is telling them that it couldn't possibly be a hot summer day........and to take it a step further if you and everyone else keep trying to convince a depressed person that it is a hot summers day they will literally think you and any one else saying this has completely lost their mind.  Fact is you cannot just tell someone to change how they feel!

There is a lot of research that has been done about depression and attempts to explain why this negative thought process happens.  Even the so called experts find this difficult to explain and instead tend to talk about descriptions of what happens rather than why.  Its a bit like the whole chicken and egg scenario - we aren't quite sure about how they got here but we can describe the cycle of chicken reproduction.

As someone who has both studied mental illness and experienced it I always find it interesting that people tend to talk in terms of triggers for a decline in mental health.  There tends to be the idea that there is a point in time that can be identified as THE turning point....that somehow we have been fine until a certain event and after that event we have had a change in our mental health.  As someone experiencing depression i can say that i personally also have a tendency to think in terms of a turning point, but that also does not relate very well to the experience.  For me there has always been a kind of snowball effect - i could literally feel it building up, i could feel it developing - it is one of the things that you learn to tune into, but it is also not a clear cut feeling so even when tuned into it there is still a degree of uncertainty about what is happening.

For me there have been some serious events in my life recently that i can pinpoint as contributing to my current experience of depression, as for a turning point? well i don't know really, a cause? possibly.  The main thing is that these experiences have had and continue to have a dramatic impact on my self worth - i do feel like a failure, i feel like i have made a complete mess of my life and i question constantly the 'reality' of the situations.  No doubt i will go into more details about the situations at some point in this blog, but for now i am conscious that to do so would take up another 10 or more pages before i could get to my point and that is about what i am trying to do at the minute to work on how i feel about myself.

When trying to 'work' with someone who has depression and extremely low feelings of self worth there is a tendency to try and challenge these feelings by looking at what that person has achieved in their life.........I have achieved a lot in my life and i know that - i haven't suddenly forgotten that i overcame a lot of hurdles and managed to not only go to university later in my life but also achieved very good marks for example, I haven't forgotten that i am a reasonably strong, smart, and effective person when i am well who can cope with a lot of things that other people wouldn't even know where to start and cope with - just because i am depressed doesn't mean that these things are wiped out of my memory, it means that they are simply not effective in boosting my feelings of self worth RIGHT NOW.  These things are about the person i am when i am well, but i am not well at the minute and so they have no relationship to the 'sick' me whatsoever.

Something else to take into consideration is the fact that the things that are important to me right now are not necessarily the things that were important to me when i achieved them before - my motivations are different now.  Also for me right now reminders about what i WAS able to do only serves to remind me of what i am NOT able to do now.  I have a very acute sense of loss - i feel like i have lost myself as well as my job, my health, my option of having a family, my dignity, my reputation, my skills, my body even - everything that i worked so hard to build in my life has gone.  The only way i can start to feel better about myself again is to start from scratch.  I need to start and achieve things again as the person that i am right now.

I think this is where a lot of people get stuck, maybe i am wrong in that - i just find that for me it is not about looking back and doing the things i used to do because that reminds me of my losses, it is not necessarily about using the skills that i used to have either because a lot of them i can't do right now, it is not about doing things that i used to enjoy either although obviously my general interests haven't changed - i am still interested in crafts for example, but i find it hard to make jewellery as i used to do that.  Instead of doing something i did before i am doing some sewing which i never really did much of before so i don't feel bad being a 'beginner' with that, and i am able to achieve something by doing it.  I also have some new interests now as well - i have found myself getting more curious about how to develop pages and things on facebook and websites - i have started to try and learn a little bit of HTML for example - learning how to manipulate the look of internet pages.  I have become interested in promoting things on facebook as well - how does it all work? I want to find out how to do it well. This relates to being able to do something that is useful - my partner has been setting up his own business and so i  have become interested in these things because it is something that i can do to help.

Taking those things a step further again, i have noticed that one of the main things i personally have a need for is to feel useful - i have worked with people all my life in a caring capacity and this is no coincidence - i am a caring person and i like to help other people if i can.  Taking this information as well as my current interest in facebook and publicising i have come up with the idea that i could combine the 2 things to do some fundraising for a cause that i can relate to.  I have to say this is also a really risky activity for me - it will be exposing myself to the possibility of failure - it is putting my reputation out there again, but it is also something new to me in a lot of ways - i have never used the internet like this before so i am a 'beginner' in that sense.  The option of me being able to do something to help other people as well as develop new skills is a huge thing for me and IF i am able to do it, even in a small way i know will start to help me to feel better about myself again.  The risk of course is if it doesn't work then i have the failure label all too ready to slap on myself again.  I have been doing a few small things related to this and i have had some very big emotion swings - i am happy when i raise a little bit of money for a charity, but on the days i don't make anything i get really disappointed and feel useless again - it has to be because of something i am doing after all doesn't it? and not because its just after Christmas and no one has any money or something!!!! (see i do know there are other possible reasons.......).

I also know that doing these things is a pretty big deal for anyone who is feeling the way i am - i have never been the sort of person to sit back and be easy on myself - its one of the issues i really would like to be able to work on .....but at the same time i have a need to be busy and to do something useful....so i am trying to take it day by day at the minute, and i am trying not to jump to the 'failure label' when things don't go so well.  Some days it is easier than others, but everyday i am trying to remember that i AM achieving something again - its good to have something that is easy to measure - if i make an extra £1 in a day then i can see the balance increasing.  Also if i am doing some promoting i can see the number of people on my page increasing as well - it is good to have a reasonably immediate method of feedback on my actions as well which is something associated with facebook in particular.

So that is where i am with things right now - probably at a higher level of activity than a lot of people who have felt the way i feel most days, and i try to give myself some praise for that, while at the same time i try not to push myself too hard too quickly because that is another 'habit' that i know i have.  Most of the time it feels like a juggling act and sometimes i drop a ball ......but when i can i pick it up and i try again.

I AM trying........to eat a healthier diet

One of the things i noticed happening over the past year or so is that i have been steadily putting on weight.  I have always been small and light - in fact for a quite a long time in my life i tried really hard to actually put some weight on.  As a young teenager i weighed in the region of 6 stone and just couldn't seem to put weight on despite my love of chocolate and junk food.  I eventually managed to get my weight up to 8 stone where i stayed for the best part of 20 years - actually it was 8 stone 3 LOL! I know because i weighed myself quite frequently in those days....

Its very strange thinking back to that time because i was always conscious of my weight - i was extremely conscious of being underweight when i was just 6 stone and i never felt healthy either - any bug about i was guaranteed to get it.  When i was 8 stone 3 though i felt happy with my weight but i was also worried about putting on more weight than i wanted to - i did a lot of weight training back then as well so my body was pretty trim but there was always something i didn't like - it was usually this odd bit of fat i had just above my knees - how funny is that??? I have the knobbliest knees i have ever seen so that didn't help, but it always tortured me because it was one area of my body that i couldn't work on in the gym to change it how i wanted hahahaha!.  I always thought i had big thighs as well which is just ridiculous to me now i have to say, but that i guess is part of the joys of being a teenage girl!!

Its only really been over the past 6 or 7 years that i noticed my weight creeping up and i didn't really mind too much to be honest - I had a bad car accident 10 years ago which meant i wasn't able to go to the gym and so i did expect there to be a change in my body.  I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the fact i was getting lumps and bumps around my previously flat belly, and my thighs just felt like they always did - bigger than i wanted them to be, but all in all i actually felt ok about myself.  I was about 9 stone at this point.  I also actually seemed reasonably healthy at that weight - i no longer got the cold every 5 minutes at least!

All of a sudden though i noticed my weight going up and up, 9.5 stone, 10, 10.5, 11, 11stone 5 was the last measurement :( - I have never put on so much weight in my life over such a short period of time.  I knew it wasn't normal and to be honest i thought it must have been related to my medication - but i still needed to do SOMETHING about it! I was feeling worse and worse about myself and the fact that i couldn't get into any of my clothes was a major issue - it was especially bad when i could no longer get into my 'fat jeans' - does everyone have these somewhere i wonder???? Anyway going from a wardrobe full of clothes to not even being able to get into my 'fat jeans' really didn't do me any good - its hard to go out when you literally have nothing to wear and no money to buy anything either!

Anyway i decided i had to do something about it - i tried to diet, i tried to exercise, i tried everything i could think of and having been a fitness instructor thats quite a lot of things to try and to have nothing work, i mean the more i tried to loose weight the more i was putting on.  I did think seriously about coming off my medication, because lets face it if thats what was putting the weight on i was never going to feel better while i was on it.

When i say i would never feel better, let me be clear i am talking about feeling in the least bit happy - i am talking here about serious issues with my body.  I stopped getting undressed anywhere near a mirror, i stopped getting undressed anywhere near my partner, i started to feel completely unattractive, i started wearing the only thing i could wear and that was pyjamas.  I felt like i couldn't even sit down without feeling choked with the corset of fat that i had developed around my middle, i couldn't bend over, put my socks on even without getting out of breath - all those things that had been not only never been an issue or even something i had thought possible, but to have gone from being a reasonably fit and flexible person to not being able to put my socks on was quite a shock.  I have got quite an insight into just a fraction of the problems that people who are overweight have to deal with i can tell you, and that is without me even getting above a size 14 - i honestly don't know how anyone can actually function at the higher end of the scale - and that is a genuine comment - it really has affected me in a huge way both physically and mentally.

It affected me so much in fact that i asked to see a dietitian - i needed help with this before i ended up going down really bad paths.  I have to say i did teeter over the edge into binge eating and starving myself and taking laxatives - i drew the line at making myself sick......only just! It was a huge alarm going off in my head!

So what have i done about it? To be honest the first thing that actually made a difference was to actually by a few clothes that fitted me - there is nothing worse that trying everything in your wardrobe on only to find nothing fits at all - even slightly! Everyday what a reminder of how 'huge' i had got.  Also as i said i am trying to improve my diet - i have always eaten badly and got away with it before so it really was about going back to basics.  I did get to see a dietitian who was very helpful i might add, and i have managed to change things round.  I have never eaten so much fruit in my life and i have stopped eating take away food despite the fact that my depression makes it extremely hard to actually cook anything, or even plan a meal.  I do still find it very difficult to even think about what i could make a lot of the time never mind actually make something.

I have though tried to start and have simple and easy to make meal ingredients available - even if that is a ready meal - i know its not the healthiest option but i do buy the healthiest ones i can find.  I do buy fruit and vegetables as well - and even if it is having some frozen vegetables available to throw into a stew well thats much better than just continuing to eat take away food - its a few steps closer to where i need to be and in my current state of mind those are giant steps.  It would be much easier for me just to sit back and continue to eat badly but i know this is something that not only affects my body but also my mind - i cannot expect my mood to improve while i continue to eat in a way that contributes significantly to mood swings even when there is no depressive illness to contend with as well.

I know this is only part of what i need to be doing to feel better about myself, and i know it is only a few steps in the right direction in relation to this one specific area - my body weight.  It is however not a straight forward situation - menopause itself does cause the type of weight gain that i have experienced - especially around the middle which has been the main cause of my difficulty with sitting and bending over.  I have been on HRT for just 1 month now and already i have noticed some difference in my body - i have lost some weight and i don't feel so constricted around the middle.  It is likely to take me quite some time until i really do start to feel better about my body....... but as i said i AM trying to do something about that.....and to a certain extent i am also SUCCEEDING - the steps may seem tiny and simple for those around me but for me at the minute each tiny step is like climbing Everest - i may hang off my personal cliff now and then, and i may even slide down here and there but i am moving towards my goal - i have been for months actually - its just that no-one else has been able to see it.

 

I AM trying..... to wade through the haze

In my last post i said the dreaded words "well you just have to try".......I don't know how many times i have heard these words and various versions of them.  Don't get me wrong I know that i do need to do things to get myself feeling better, if i didn't know that then i wouldn't be doing any of the things that i am doing.  So what exactly is it that i AM doing?  Believe it or not there is so much that its going to take a while to cover it all.  This post then is going to be about taking medication:

Top of the list of things i AM doing has to be taking my medication.  I am currently taking quite a hefty dose of Venlafaxine XL, actually i am taking the highest dose of this medication that is recommended for someone of my size and i take it everyday without fail.  Sometimes i wonder just how much of my current symptoms are related to this dose of medication - i always find it rather ironic that most anti depressant medications can cause things like anxiety, sleep problems, poor appetite, poor concentration, tiredness etc......so of course it is hard to know if any of these things are due to the depression itself or the medication - fact is though i'm scared not to take it because at least i'm not lying in a crying heap in the corner most days since i have been taking it.

As well as that i am taking diazepam - not very often as i try not to take it, but it does help on those days when i feel particularly anxious and have to go to all sorts of appointments or if i find myself nearly having a panic attack at the thoughts of going out somewhere - It was the post office that i had a problem with last week for some reason....no idea why but the thought of going to it just made me feel sick to my stomach.  Regardless of that i did actually go - it took me a while to fight against the urge to vomit and convince myself i wasn't really going to die if i went.  I managed to ignore the heart racing and palpitations and the feeling i was dragging around led boots on my feet, oh yes and the urge to drive myself into a wall on the way there.  When i got there i was thankful there were only a couple of people in the queue, and my prayers that no one would speak to me or ask me anything complicated were answered.  After posting my letter i then had to go home and lie down for a while until the sheer exhaustion of having 'fought' my way there passed.  Its as well i had taken my diazepam that time or it might have been kinda hard......

For the past month i have also been taking HRT medication because as well as everything else i have now been informed that i am at the end stages of menopause (which may actually be the reason why i have been feeling so crap for the past 3 years or so but its only been diagnosed now).  Funny enough HRT can have some pretty bad side effects as well including.....wait for it......depression, anxiety, sleep problems, loss of appetite etc etc and that doesn't even touch on the more serious ones.  As well as that i also have the thoughts of never being able to have a family of my own to contend with now and the fact that my body has let me down yet again.  It doesn't matter that i feel like i have had yet another 10 years of my life stolen away from me now or that i wonder why on earth this has been thrown at me as well as everything else - all i have to do is pop a wee pill into my mouth and at least that will help to prevent me getting osteoporosis.  At least i can maybe take some comfort in that while i wonder if i will be one of the people who ends up with blood clots or cancer from taking it.

Sorry is my sarcasm showing through? I don't mean to sound sarcastic - i just get tired of everything being like a double edged sword at the minute.  There is of course the possibility that this latest treatment may just help me to feel better when i get my head around everything else taking it means to me.....I guess i just haven't got there yet!

You know sometimes i wish those who just don't 'get it' could be given just some of the medication i am taking at the minute just for a few days.  Its always good when people can see for themselves what it is like trying to walk in another persons shoes and for me it is difficult to function through the drugs haze, the depression and the other medical issues I now have as well!  I know i am not the only one - a lot of people with mental illness of any kind are taking enough medication to knock out a horse for goodness sake - i'm not saying its right or wrong here - the over prescribing of medication is another issue - i'm just saying it has a major effect on how full of energy we might feel!  The next time you may be tempted to say "you just need to try" to someone with depression or when you hear those dreaded words yet again don't forget that many of us are trying and succeeding to wade through the haze a lot of the time, it takes a lot of energy to fight the invisible demons, to not sleep when you are exhausted, and to even just face the day!

Where did I go to?

Its not a nice feeling when you can hardly recognise yourself....I sometimes find myself sitting somewhere and i catch sight of myself from a sort of projected me - you know like an outer body experience sort of thing but i do it deliberately - and i just don't know who it is i am looking at! It is me of course but its not!

I mean do you ever hear a recording of your voice and think......OMG i don't sound like that do i? Or even worse a video of yourself that you can't help but cringe because every 5 seconds you are doing the helicopter dance with your arms? and then you wonder why on earth no one tells you how silly you look?  Its a bit like that.....but its a more subtle kind of difference, the sort of thing you notice about someone that you know well - their eyes are a little bit duller than usual, their smile is not so wide - you know there is something not quite right but its hard to put your finger on what it is.

Its funny, most people i have spoken to about it say they wish they had something more obviously wrong with them when they are depressed because that way others would actually know they were sick.  Ironically though the fact that you become more and more conscious of yourself means that you feel like its not possible that people don't notice that there is something very 'odd' about you.  I remember the first time i started to take medication i used to constantly look at my eyes in the mirror - I thought my pupils looked like saucers but yet no-one around me seemed to notice.....either that or they just thought i was constantly stoned or something and they just didn't want to ask.......

Anyway, i was talking about the feeling of not really knowing who you are anymore, i suppose thats down to the fact that pretty much everything that defines you as a person just seems to disappear into the void.  On  top of that there is also the pretence that goes on - the mask that comes out when you are forced into a situation when its just easier in some ways to smile and carry on as if there is nothing wrong.  Its not easier to pretend to be ok though, its exhausting - sometimes its just less exhausting than trying to explain what is wrong.  Pretending though adds a complication, not just for other people who can find it hard to understand how you can be ok sometimes but not ok a lot of the time too - It also complicates things in your own head - I mean how do you pretend to be yourself??? Honestly??? Its like a weird role playing form of torture - which you is the real you? and if i'm feeling a little bit better is that actually real or is it just something i've concocted, if its not real then when will the real feelings hit me once again? You confused yet?

So many things come into my head when i start to think about this you know - the idea of "faking it till you can make it", the idea of having a "positive mental attitude" and of course the "well you just have to try"........OMG it just makes me want to shout and scream;......or at least it would if i had any energy left from fighting all the mental torture, pretending to be ok, and putting myself into constantly scary situations.......

Yet throughout it all the real me does make an appearance now and then, my own thoughts put in an appearance in the midst of the chaos like the sudden and unmistakable smell that has the power to catapult you back to a certain place in time.  It quickens the heart and excites the mind.......I'm still there, i haven't really been stolen away by the thief that crept into my mind while i wasn't watching.......

Facing Demons

Its funny how we all have our own demons isn't it? Regardless of who we are and how we are feeling there is always something that we don't want to admit to having a fear about - sometimes it is a fear of being found out in something that we have done or said that we are ashamed of for whatever reason, sometimes its a fear of not being loved enough - does our partner really feel as much for us as we do for them? Sometimes its a fear of the unknown - what is going to happen to us? or even what the hell is going to be in this envelope?

For me at the minute i think i am scared of everything.......sometimes i'm scared to wake up in the morning, sometimes i'm scared of the thoughts in my head, sometimes its that frigging envelope thats just plopped through the letterbox thats likely to mean i have to DO something else now.  A lot of the time i'm scared to go out of the house, I live in a constant state of fear that i'm going to mess up again, that i'm not good enough, that i'm going to say or do something stupid........but i guess the ultimate fear is one of not being able to cope.  Is that not at the basis of all our fears though? Its the fear that we will not be able to deal with whatever the consequences of something will be is it not?

But what does that mean? What is coping? I'm coping just fine with my fear of leaving the house right now cos i'm sitting in my bedroom typing away perfectly content to be here if i'm honest.....interested actually to see where my thoughts are going with this......but even though i am content to sit here day after day i also know of the consequences of doing so.  I know that people around me are worried and there is nothing i hate more than putting other people out in some way.  I know they are worried that i am getting worse that its "not healthy" to be sat here all the time.  The thing they don't seem to realise is sometimes i'm not hiding from the world, sometimes i'm just interacting with the world in a way thats not so risky for me right now.  And why is it that its ok for them to sit and read or watch TV or surf the internet for days on end and not for me??? Its not like i haven't gone out when i have things to do.....just because i don't feel like going out into the cold, wet, stormy day that it is out there doesn't make me the crazy one now does it???

The thing is i know my behaviour is a bit odd at times.....then again when has it not been??? I have my own way of interacting with the world regardless of whether i am 'sick' or 'healthy'.......I am the one who knows the consequences of my actions all too bloody keenly - i have many of them replaying in my head day after day after all.  Fact is sometimes i just feel able to take the risk of dipping my toe into what my mind has interpreted as a sea full of killer sharks and sometimes i dont, sometimes i might even go in up to my waist.  There is one thing that i know for sure though, trying to force me to jump out of a helicopter into the middle of shark infested waters is not helpful - i know i will do it in my own time cos thats the sort of person i am - i have never let the fear of the unknown get in my way or i would never have got on a plane to India on my own.....but had i done that without putting things in place to make sure i was as safe as possible that would have just been stupid.  I'm not a stupid person, I am just one who has been through a lot of crap recently and i am allowing myself to recover.....on my terms......the ones my mind is telling me it needs.  Strangely even though it does send me the most bizarre messages at times i still trust my own mind to know how to heal itself......

Am i really a crazy person?

Simple answer - No...., well maybe??

Complicated Answer - It all depends on how we look at these things doesn't it?

I have been called crazy because its not unheard of for me to get up and dance on a table.....perfectly sober as well I might add - I did it in school actually (although i wasn't always sober there now that i think about that.....ok so not quite a good example but you get the idea right?).  I have also left a job, packed up my belongings and headed off to uni at the age of 30 - got called crazy then too! Went off to India on my own for a holiday- yep got called crazy then too! I could give you a thousand or more examples of when i have been called crazy but i supposed to others it would be more of a 'live wire' or something. This journal is not going to be all about my exploits of dancing on tables though, you see I could also quote many times when i have actually felt completely totally and utterly barking mad - i mean the i really need to be locked up kinda mad - I was diagnosed with severe depression when i was 18 and well its just not right when you feel like your head is going to explode, or maybe implode! But hey this journal is not going to be all about how crap i feel at times either - that would just be another sad tale of woe -my god we all have enough of that on soaps don't we?

So what is it going to be about??? honestly i don't know yet! My plan is simply to write and see what comes out - it will be about my life - could be past stuff, could be now stuff or could even be plans for the future if and when i actually make some of them.  Could be about the nonsense i think about or about or the horror i feel, it could even be about how i would like there to be world peace........hahahaha yes i'm one of them!!!

So there you go, no promises made, no clues about what is to come.  If you want to read then feel free, if you want to comment then feel free, and if you decide i'm crazy then so be it! One word of warning - i will not put up with abuse or spamming - you wanna do that then go somewhere else, and if you don't like what i'm saying then go somewhere else - I'm choosing to write it and you are choosing to read it - we both have the option to stop......Agreed??

Ok so if i haven't put you off see you on the next post :)