Up and down and round and round!

I had a brilliant day yesterday - i managed to go out to the market even though i have had a really bad head for days (slept for about 36hrs i think this time!),  had a great catch up with some friends and even managed to sell quite a lot of my house clutter.  I was positively bouncing yesterday - literally at one point LOL! It also came to me as a huge surprise when i realised on my home that not once had i felt the awful fear that has shadowed my every move for so long.  So long in fact that i was beginning to think i had an evil twin!!! 


Its funny how acutely i have felt the fear practically every day, and yet it took me the whole day to notice it wasn't there yesterday.....I did get myself flustered a few times but that is a completely different feeling.  


Today however i feel quite low again.  I can't get myself focussed on anything and when i try to do something it just seems to go rather pear shaped! I have ended up frustrating myself to the point of screaming and wanting to hide under the duvet.  If i am honest about it with myself i know i'm just tired - it still takes a lot out of me to go to the market.  The sensible and gentle side of me says "just take it easy today" but the evil twin says "you are just rubbish at everything you try to do so why bother?" oh and "what exactly do you think you are doing anyway? Its all going to fall apart if you keep going......"


Today the light relief of yesterday feels like it was simply a dream as my mind battles with itself to gain control.  Thoughts ping around inside my head like a superball on speed, tiring and confusing me - which thought do i follow? which voice do i heed? If i try to be gentle with myself is it just an excuse for depression to stomp all over me yet again? Round and  round and round she goes, and where she stops no-one knows!  

Whoa Girl! Lift that lead boot!

My granny always used to talk about people driving around with lead boots and it just popped into my head there when i was pondering what i wanted to write about today - funny how that happens, eh? She may be gone but she still talks away to me.......


Anyway, today i just have been thinking about what i am doing at the minute.  I have this idea that i don't ever want to be working for someone else again, that i need to do something that protects me from the nonsense that i have been put through over the past few years and that means working for myself. I have managed to talk myself into working in a self employed role related to the craft side of my life that used to be such a big part of who i was.  I was selling products i made to shops at the age of 17/18 but somehow this disappeared into a 'real' job scenario.


The desire to work for myself has always been a strong one - my family have pretty much all worked for themselves and so the business ethos is no stranger to me......and neither is the hard work associated with that.  As usual i appear to be hurtling towards this goal at breakneck speed - the decision has been made and the ideas just seem to pour out of my brain like a waterfall, so i find it hard to take a slow and steady approach.  Usually however i am able to keep up with my thoughts and manage juggling 10 different thought processes at one time, but i have to admit to struggling with it at the minute.  I keep telling myself to slow down but i honestly don't know how to do it.


I have to find a way to take control of things again though, because i can feel it all drifting away from me.  I have worked so hard to start sorting out my debts over the past few years and yet at the minute its all going a bit pear-shaped.  I am spending money that i can't afford to spend and getting myself into a position where i am not even thinking about what i am doing before i buy something else.  I know i will be able to resell the things i'm buying - thats the whole point of buying it.  I am however having trouble following up the buying with even advertising it for sale though! I can hardly run a business if i don't do the most important part of it - selling things on to make a profit! It amazes me that i have so little restraint at the minute, but i think it may be related to my medication in a way - i have very little restraint in so many different areas of my life i know it is more than just getting a little bit carried away! It is a dangerous combination - excitement, ideas and lack of impulse control = me spending money like its going out of fashion and running about like a headless chicken in the process! I need to lift that lead boot, sit back and take a much more planned approach.........planning has never been a strong point of mine but i know i can do it if i just manage to focus for long enough!! 

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!!

Its been such a long time since i posted on this blog and the reason i stopped was because i was getting tired of hearing myself moaning.  I'm not usually a negative person and i know that my depression can take over and suck the positivity right out of me at times, but i'm glad i can recognise it and try to do something about it at least! 


Recently however i have started to become very thoughtful and curious again - i wonder about so many things! Its something i really enjoy doing and it is that sort of thought process i would like to be able to talk about in this blog - Thats what i wanted it to be about originally and so i'm happy to be able to return to it in the right frame of mind again.  Today i had a moment of wonder thats i'd like to share and to develop as my mind follows the twists and turns in my head.  This was the thought:


Its funny how things you believe get turned on their heads isn't it - I was always taught that telling the truth was the right thing to do when i was a child.......yet the older i get the more it seems that not being honest about things is valued by others. Its no wonder that people get confused!! I open my mouth and the truth comes out, always has and always will - why is it that some people have such a problem with that??? 


For me to wonder freely with this thought i feel i need to share something relevant to it - Thoughout my life i have had the feeling that i have been labelled as a troublemaker on various occasions.  Its not something that i understand much because i'm simply not one of those people who go around trying to stir things up.  I believe myself to be a kind, sensitive and genuine person - yes i do believe in calling a spade a spade, but i also try to do it with compassion at least most of the time! 


To me a truth is a simple thing - of course there can be various viewpoints about something, but to me a truth is simply a true reflection of what is going on in your head at any given time.  We might not want to share everything that goes on in the privacy of our minds - i'm not talking about having no filter of our thoughts, but if we choose to share it is it not simple to just say what has gone through our minds? 


Yet it seems that rather than just filtering and smoothing off some of the rough edges of our thoughts, somehow it seems to be more acceptable to actually lie than to tell the truth these days.  Is it not easier to actually know what another person is thinking? To me it is a much easier way of living than trying to figure out the fact they actually are thinking "oh that is so awful" when they say "yes thats lovely".  


When i think over the difficult times in my life, including this one, the common theme running through it is one of not understanding.  Yet i'm not a stupid person, i understand a great deal of things.  The confusion therefore has almost always related to the fact that i have been told one thing and yet experienced the opposite.  Its confusing for someone to say they love you yet their actions indicate they don't want to spend any time with you is it not? Its confusing for someone to say they are a friend when their actions show betrayal! For me most recently its confusing for an organisation to say they value people with experience of mental illness when they trample over you at the first signs of depression! 


Many times i have wondered how i could get something so wrong, yet the only thing i believe i have done is actually take someone at their word.  Do i miss some sort of social unwritten rule? We all know the one about answering the question "does my bum look big in this?" Surely i'm not the only one who actually would prefer if someone said "well its not the best really, why not wear that one instead?" 


Is it a cultural thing? I don't know! All in know is i was taught its a good thing to tell the truth, yet i seem to get into trouble for telling the truth, and not only that but the people doing the opposite of what they say just glide on through without a worry in the world! It really does make me think i am crazy at times - it turns my head inside out wondering how they don't get caught out in their dishonesty when to me its as clear as the nose on my face! Do people really not want to know the truth? Or is it only if its a truth they want to hear? Are we not big enough to be able to hear something that may be less than flattering? 


Personally i believe life would be so much easier if we didn't have to pretend we like the meal someone has made in fear of looking rude! Is it not more rude to leave most of the meal and the person wondering what was wrong with it than simply to say "I'm sorry i don't like jam on my beans!!" LOL! Is it not easier to actually have trust in what a person says rather than trying to read between the lines or figure out what they are actually thinking? and how much wondering and confusion would it save us all if we knew that the promises made by anyone were genuine! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know it would certainly save a lot of headaches and heartaches.......so why is it that its not as simple as "doing what it says on the tin"!