I had a brilliant day yesterday - i managed to go out to the market even though i have had a really bad head for days (slept for about 36hrs i think this time!), had a great catch up with some friends and even managed to sell quite a lot of my house clutter. I was positively bouncing yesterday - literally at one point LOL! It also came to me as a huge surprise when i realised on my home that not once had i felt the awful fear that has shadowed my every move for so long. So long in fact that i was beginning to think i had an evil twin!!!
Its funny how acutely i have felt the fear practically every day, and yet it took me the whole day to notice it wasn't there yesterday.....I did get myself flustered a few times but that is a completely different feeling.
Today however i feel quite low again. I can't get myself focussed on anything and when i try to do something it just seems to go rather pear shaped! I have ended up frustrating myself to the point of screaming and wanting to hide under the duvet. If i am honest about it with myself i know i'm just tired - it still takes a lot out of me to go to the market. The sensible and gentle side of me says "just take it easy today" but the evil twin says "you are just rubbish at everything you try to do so why bother?" oh and "what exactly do you think you are doing anyway? Its all going to fall apart if you keep going......"
Today the light relief of yesterday feels like it was simply a dream as my mind battles with itself to gain control. Thoughts ping around inside my head like a superball on speed, tiring and confusing me - which thought do i follow? which voice do i heed? If i try to be gentle with myself is it just an excuse for depression to stomp all over me yet again? Round and round and round she goes, and where she stops no-one knows!
Its funny how acutely i have felt the fear practically every day, and yet it took me the whole day to notice it wasn't there yesterday.....I did get myself flustered a few times but that is a completely different feeling.
Today however i feel quite low again. I can't get myself focussed on anything and when i try to do something it just seems to go rather pear shaped! I have ended up frustrating myself to the point of screaming and wanting to hide under the duvet. If i am honest about it with myself i know i'm just tired - it still takes a lot out of me to go to the market. The sensible and gentle side of me says "just take it easy today" but the evil twin says "you are just rubbish at everything you try to do so why bother?" oh and "what exactly do you think you are doing anyway? Its all going to fall apart if you keep going......"
Today the light relief of yesterday feels like it was simply a dream as my mind battles with itself to gain control. Thoughts ping around inside my head like a superball on speed, tiring and confusing me - which thought do i follow? which voice do i heed? If i try to be gentle with myself is it just an excuse for depression to stomp all over me yet again? Round and round and round she goes, and where she stops no-one knows!
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