Its really been a hard few days since the appeal and i slept almost solidly for 3 days afterwards - it just shows how much of an impact it has had on me!!
Anyway since that has now been overturned i would like to try and use the time i have as breathing space and maybe even planning space - i know i am going to be expected to start working again soon enough and i do actually want to get myself to a place where i can see that as a possibility again. I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get to 'that place' in my head but i know that i can start to make some small steps towards it at least. The first thing for me is to actually consider what options i have for future employment and more and more i seem to have the idea that something to do with welfare rights is the path i would like to take. This is not a new thought at all, i applied for welfare rights courses through work before i became ill again, but the whole experience i have had has also strengthened that idea.
Now i have to work on various aspects of my life to start to move forward and away from the pain of the past experiences. I know i can do it, i have done it many times before, and lets face it i am simply too stubborn to let myself be beaten!
Thursday 16 February 2012
Friday 10 February 2012
Success at Last???
Finally something seems to have gone right - I had to attend the tribunal hearing thingy yesterday and the good news is that i won the appeal. I was so worried about the possibility that i would be considered fit for work and would have to start doing the whole jobseekers routine. I can hardly go into the JBO at times when i have an appointment there never mind have to go through the process of proving i was applying for jobs that i am not well enough to actually do.
Don't get me wrong, i completely agree that the system has been exploited for years, and i would even go as far as to say that some of the changes that are being made are in the right general direction. It does however feel very much like everyone is being tarred with the one brush - that everyone is being treated as if they are the culprits guilty of benefit fraud. I know that there is a particular difficulty in assessments of people with mental health conditions as well, and i fully believe in the therapeutic aspect of work activity for mental health conditions, but there has to be a better way for the system to progress.
As i said, i actually won my appeal, and i got the zero points allocation i initially got changed to 21. The whole process though has been traumatic, has caused a deterioration in my mental health and is degrading to say the least. I have spent the whole day today in bed and have been extremely tearful. I feel as if i have been raped. I honestly can't think of any alternative way of describing this experience, and i certainly do not use the term lightly. I keep thinking i should be feeling good - i keep repeating over and over in my head that i WON the appeal - i should be celebrating, right? So why do i feel so dirty and powerless?
Don't get me wrong, i completely agree that the system has been exploited for years, and i would even go as far as to say that some of the changes that are being made are in the right general direction. It does however feel very much like everyone is being tarred with the one brush - that everyone is being treated as if they are the culprits guilty of benefit fraud. I know that there is a particular difficulty in assessments of people with mental health conditions as well, and i fully believe in the therapeutic aspect of work activity for mental health conditions, but there has to be a better way for the system to progress.
As i said, i actually won my appeal, and i got the zero points allocation i initially got changed to 21. The whole process though has been traumatic, has caused a deterioration in my mental health and is degrading to say the least. I have spent the whole day today in bed and have been extremely tearful. I feel as if i have been raped. I honestly can't think of any alternative way of describing this experience, and i certainly do not use the term lightly. I keep thinking i should be feeling good - i keep repeating over and over in my head that i WON the appeal - i should be celebrating, right? So why do i feel so dirty and powerless?
Thursday 2 February 2012
Trying to get back on an even keel
Well here i am trying once again, fighting for an ounce of sanity. Its been a really hard few days to get through but realising that the HRT was having an influence on my mood has made it a little easier to bear - Its funny how having some sort of explanation for such a low mood can help to cope with it somehow, i suppose its the knowing that it will pass again quite soon.
The last few days have been like being on a scary ride at the fun park - a ghost train ride really..... but i am the ghost. I could hardly bear to put my thoughts and feelings into words so the fact i am writing today is a good sign. I am still in a lot of physical pain. I am walking like an old woman with bad joint pain and i have been living with heat packs strapped around me for days - its the only thing that seems to help. It just doesn't seem right that i should be in so much pain just because i will be having a period soon - i wish it would just come and be done with.
I did manage to look up some info on HRT and it says the first few months tend to be the worst, 3 months is the recommended timescale for letting it settle down. As far as i remember the first month i had 2 weeks of what i can only describe as severe PMT or PMS with feeling sick, pain in my head and my stomach etc so this time it does seem a little shorter - we will see soon!
The last few days have been like being on a scary ride at the fun park - a ghost train ride really..... but i am the ghost. I could hardly bear to put my thoughts and feelings into words so the fact i am writing today is a good sign. I am still in a lot of physical pain. I am walking like an old woman with bad joint pain and i have been living with heat packs strapped around me for days - its the only thing that seems to help. It just doesn't seem right that i should be in so much pain just because i will be having a period soon - i wish it would just come and be done with.
I did manage to look up some info on HRT and it says the first few months tend to be the worst, 3 months is the recommended timescale for letting it settle down. As far as i remember the first month i had 2 weeks of what i can only describe as severe PMT or PMS with feeling sick, pain in my head and my stomach etc so this time it does seem a little shorter - we will see soon!
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