I woke up this morning with a sort of wonderment as to how i had got here........someone mentioned something about birds and bees??? hahahahahaha! No, of course i mean to the place i am in my life right now and how it is different from where i have been, even just from the start of Journal of a Crazy Person. That prompted a read back over all my posts so far and i have to say i think i have come pretty far! So now i am curious about what has happened to move me from where i was to where i am now.......
Its useful to review changes i think and check really that they are in the direction i want to go. Obviously the direction i wanted initially was just to stop feeling so flipping awful! Today as i sit here and write i can say, "yeah, i think i have moved that way ok". I say today, because i am extremely aware of the fact my moods still remain quite unstable. Generally though they are better than they were before which is good news indeed :)
After i started to feel better my direction started to become more complex. It was about things like work and relationships and finances and all those deeper level things (assuming we are starting with basic needs at the top and working down the way that is!). I started off really with no direction at all in these areas, simply because i couldn't even give them any head space - all of my energy and resources were taken up simply trying to survive! Now i seem to have found a direction i want to go in with the work situation and i am practically sprinting down that road....in a mental sense of course as i couldn't run round in a circle at the minute!!
I do have my moments of doubt with this one it has to be said, I fluster and panic and question what on earth i am doing quite frequently. This is not because of uncertainty about wanting to head in this direction but is uncertainty about my ability to do it. I hear it all the time from lots of different sources, including evidence from my own past and present, that my ability's are pretty high, yet i continue to doubt myself! If i talk about that doubt to people around me it seems (to me anyway) that i am seeking praise rather than the assurance that i really am seeking in these situations. Despite the fact that i 'know' i can do something it is not false modesty when i say i'm not sure if i can do it. Its an odd paradox that one, to have confidence yet lack it at the same time!
My direction with relationships is almost but not quite completely missing. I am starting to build up relationships again but these are limited to a couple of quite new but very good friends. I do have thoughts that other relationships in my life need working on and most of them need to be completely rebuilt if that is possible. At the minute i am not really sure how i am going to do that if i am honest as i have lost practically all contact with people who were once my closest and dearest friends. It happens unfortunately, and the duration and depth of my depression is mostly to blame. Some responsibility also has to lie with the focus i have had, and continue to have on my work situation however.
I have had to struggle a huge amount to even find that new direction in my work life and i know it has been taking up practically all of my energy and and thoughts. It is tough to set up a new business, especially in the current climate, and many people find starting off takes up a vast chunk of their daily lives. I do however believe with me it is more than that - oh that didn't quite come out right - I mean i think the whole work situation i have been through shook me to my very core and so the links between my health and me needing to find a completely new career are extremely close knit.
In summary then, my relationships are still needing a huge amount of work, but my energy is currently focussed elsewhere. Is this healthy? I have to ask......"probably not" just has to be the response to this - hmmmmmmmm. This needs further thought!
Finances then, i did have these almost under control at one stage, not sorted by any means, but manageable. I have since lost my direction with this! It is sort of part of the overall plan of course, but again the focus on starting the business has taken its toll. I have taken my eye off the ball with my finances and the effects of that are showing. I urgently need to regain some control in this area or i am going to end up slipping quite far back. I am struggling to pay attention to different areas of my life at the one time at the minute but i am going to have to try and juggle what mental resources i have a bit better to prevent this becoming more of an issue again.
Oh thats quite odd, i started this post intending on talking about how i got from A to B and instead i end up talking about getting from B to C. That was a complete turnaround from focussing on the past to the future. A sort of stopping, taking stock and replanning just took over my thought processes! I'm not complaining, i think it has been good.....it just sort of took me by surprise thats all :). Maybe i will get to look at how i got here in the next post :)
Its useful to review changes i think and check really that they are in the direction i want to go. Obviously the direction i wanted initially was just to stop feeling so flipping awful! Today as i sit here and write i can say, "yeah, i think i have moved that way ok". I say today, because i am extremely aware of the fact my moods still remain quite unstable. Generally though they are better than they were before which is good news indeed :)
After i started to feel better my direction started to become more complex. It was about things like work and relationships and finances and all those deeper level things (assuming we are starting with basic needs at the top and working down the way that is!). I started off really with no direction at all in these areas, simply because i couldn't even give them any head space - all of my energy and resources were taken up simply trying to survive! Now i seem to have found a direction i want to go in with the work situation and i am practically sprinting down that road....in a mental sense of course as i couldn't run round in a circle at the minute!!
I do have my moments of doubt with this one it has to be said, I fluster and panic and question what on earth i am doing quite frequently. This is not because of uncertainty about wanting to head in this direction but is uncertainty about my ability to do it. I hear it all the time from lots of different sources, including evidence from my own past and present, that my ability's are pretty high, yet i continue to doubt myself! If i talk about that doubt to people around me it seems (to me anyway) that i am seeking praise rather than the assurance that i really am seeking in these situations. Despite the fact that i 'know' i can do something it is not false modesty when i say i'm not sure if i can do it. Its an odd paradox that one, to have confidence yet lack it at the same time!
My direction with relationships is almost but not quite completely missing. I am starting to build up relationships again but these are limited to a couple of quite new but very good friends. I do have thoughts that other relationships in my life need working on and most of them need to be completely rebuilt if that is possible. At the minute i am not really sure how i am going to do that if i am honest as i have lost practically all contact with people who were once my closest and dearest friends. It happens unfortunately, and the duration and depth of my depression is mostly to blame. Some responsibility also has to lie with the focus i have had, and continue to have on my work situation however.
I have had to struggle a huge amount to even find that new direction in my work life and i know it has been taking up practically all of my energy and and thoughts. It is tough to set up a new business, especially in the current climate, and many people find starting off takes up a vast chunk of their daily lives. I do however believe with me it is more than that - oh that didn't quite come out right - I mean i think the whole work situation i have been through shook me to my very core and so the links between my health and me needing to find a completely new career are extremely close knit.
In summary then, my relationships are still needing a huge amount of work, but my energy is currently focussed elsewhere. Is this healthy? I have to ask......"probably not" just has to be the response to this - hmmmmmmmm. This needs further thought!
Finances then, i did have these almost under control at one stage, not sorted by any means, but manageable. I have since lost my direction with this! It is sort of part of the overall plan of course, but again the focus on starting the business has taken its toll. I have taken my eye off the ball with my finances and the effects of that are showing. I urgently need to regain some control in this area or i am going to end up slipping quite far back. I am struggling to pay attention to different areas of my life at the one time at the minute but i am going to have to try and juggle what mental resources i have a bit better to prevent this becoming more of an issue again.
Oh thats quite odd, i started this post intending on talking about how i got from A to B and instead i end up talking about getting from B to C. That was a complete turnaround from focussing on the past to the future. A sort of stopping, taking stock and replanning just took over my thought processes! I'm not complaining, i think it has been good.....it just sort of took me by surprise thats all :). Maybe i will get to look at how i got here in the next post :)
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