A lot of popular psychology, or self help books as they are more commonly known as, talk in terms of the need to nurture the child who lives within us all. There are so many possible interpretations of this though are there not? Who is the inner child? Are they the part of us who have not reached emotional maturity? Are they the part that simply demands our own needs be fulfilled or we risk a tantrum? Or are they the part of us that have carried with us certain messages we have received as children and not left behind? Maybe all of these parts are one in the same???
To me the child within is not a young and immature side of ourselves, but a part that has become vulnerable for one reason or another. It might be because of childhood lessons, but it might equally be because of experiences we have had as an adult. It is a part of us that has become scarred and in need of protection - or at least that is the belief our minds have come to hold. When our particular vulnerability is revealed our minds interpret this as a signal to curl up like a hedgehog and show our spikes to the world - stay away from there it shouts and screams in its own strange language, you cannot risk being hurt yet again! But strangely in my experience, in order to heal it seems it is the opposite action than the one the mind tries to take that is necessary.
Let me explain a little about how the mind works before i take this thought further - The mind is full of shortcuts. It tries to be an efficient machine and do things quickly and automatically. I was trying to explain this to a friend the other day with the analogy of a shortcut across a grassy area - when the grass is walked over enough times it becomes bare and a path appears. In time the path turns into a rut in the ground where the grass is unlikely to grow. At the same time any other paths become overgrown and hidden. This is what happens in the mind when we have certain similar experiences - particular neural pathways become a shortcut which tells us what has happened in previous similiar situations. If our past experience has been a positive one we learn that we have nothing to fear from it happening again, however negative experiences of course lead to fear and attempts to avoid these particular experiences as much as possible. Repeated negative experiences lead to almost impenetrable forcefields of phobic proportions.
Going back to my thought then that in order to heal it seems it is the opposite action than the one the mind tries to take that is necessary. What i mean by this is to remember the rut that has been formed in the mind by earlier experiences, and the mind will follow this rut each and every time - it has already learned that experience A = pain and hurt - it tells you it does not need to experience this again to know the outcome. It sets off the warning bells to say you are treading dangerously close to your vulnerability. Also because the track is worn and easy to follow it will always take you to the conclusion that you need to avoid this area - don't let anyone near there or you will get hurt AGAIN! In this case though what you are doing is re-enforcing the belief that you are vulnerable, and each time you avoid it you are acknowledging the 'weakness'. In order to heal that scar you need to learn that actually you CAN cope with this experience, you need to start a new pathway in your brain that says experience A does NOT lead to pain and hurt. This cannot happen when you do what the mind tells you to, because it is screaming at you to avoid it at all costs.
I am not saying taking the path less worn is easy. Its not! Its full of jungle like undergrowth that you have to beat your way through at times, and your mind will continue to try and take you back to the path well worn. Even when you make it through to the other end of the new path it still takes effort to walk it again. Eventually as the new path gets used more frequently it becomes easier and eventually a new shortcut is created.
So what does all this mean for the Child Within? The vulnerable one we all hold inside? It means that the child needs to learn and needs to experience the very thing that its trying to avoid. It needs someone to point it in another direction and help it lay down another path. It means the fear and automatic response to curl up and show our spikes is a sign that we need to pay attention to what has triggered that response. It means we need to be aware of what we are doing and we can choose to stop reinforcing the belief that we have to hide this part of ourselves from the world. It also means though, that we need to tread with care and deliberation because our ever efficient mind will keep trying to lead us to the same conclusion, the same well worn path that we are used to.
To me the child within is not a young and immature side of ourselves, but a part that has become vulnerable for one reason or another. It might be because of childhood lessons, but it might equally be because of experiences we have had as an adult. It is a part of us that has become scarred and in need of protection - or at least that is the belief our minds have come to hold. When our particular vulnerability is revealed our minds interpret this as a signal to curl up like a hedgehog and show our spikes to the world - stay away from there it shouts and screams in its own strange language, you cannot risk being hurt yet again! But strangely in my experience, in order to heal it seems it is the opposite action than the one the mind tries to take that is necessary.
Let me explain a little about how the mind works before i take this thought further - The mind is full of shortcuts. It tries to be an efficient machine and do things quickly and automatically. I was trying to explain this to a friend the other day with the analogy of a shortcut across a grassy area - when the grass is walked over enough times it becomes bare and a path appears. In time the path turns into a rut in the ground where the grass is unlikely to grow. At the same time any other paths become overgrown and hidden. This is what happens in the mind when we have certain similar experiences - particular neural pathways become a shortcut which tells us what has happened in previous similiar situations. If our past experience has been a positive one we learn that we have nothing to fear from it happening again, however negative experiences of course lead to fear and attempts to avoid these particular experiences as much as possible. Repeated negative experiences lead to almost impenetrable forcefields of phobic proportions.
Going back to my thought then that in order to heal it seems it is the opposite action than the one the mind tries to take that is necessary. What i mean by this is to remember the rut that has been formed in the mind by earlier experiences, and the mind will follow this rut each and every time - it has already learned that experience A = pain and hurt - it tells you it does not need to experience this again to know the outcome. It sets off the warning bells to say you are treading dangerously close to your vulnerability. Also because the track is worn and easy to follow it will always take you to the conclusion that you need to avoid this area - don't let anyone near there or you will get hurt AGAIN! In this case though what you are doing is re-enforcing the belief that you are vulnerable, and each time you avoid it you are acknowledging the 'weakness'. In order to heal that scar you need to learn that actually you CAN cope with this experience, you need to start a new pathway in your brain that says experience A does NOT lead to pain and hurt. This cannot happen when you do what the mind tells you to, because it is screaming at you to avoid it at all costs.
I am not saying taking the path less worn is easy. Its not! Its full of jungle like undergrowth that you have to beat your way through at times, and your mind will continue to try and take you back to the path well worn. Even when you make it through to the other end of the new path it still takes effort to walk it again. Eventually as the new path gets used more frequently it becomes easier and eventually a new shortcut is created.
So what does all this mean for the Child Within? The vulnerable one we all hold inside? It means that the child needs to learn and needs to experience the very thing that its trying to avoid. It needs someone to point it in another direction and help it lay down another path. It means the fear and automatic response to curl up and show our spikes is a sign that we need to pay attention to what has triggered that response. It means we need to be aware of what we are doing and we can choose to stop reinforcing the belief that we have to hide this part of ourselves from the world. It also means though, that we need to tread with care and deliberation because our ever efficient mind will keep trying to lead us to the same conclusion, the same well worn path that we are used to.
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