Its funny how we all have our own demons isn't it? Regardless of who we are and how we are feeling there is always something that we don't want to admit to having a fear about - sometimes it is a fear of being found out in something that we have done or said that we are ashamed of for whatever reason, sometimes its a fear of not being loved enough - does our partner really feel as much for us as we do for them? Sometimes its a fear of the unknown - what is going to happen to us? or even what the hell is going to be in this envelope?
For me at the minute i think i am scared of everything.......sometimes i'm scared to wake up in the morning, sometimes i'm scared of the thoughts in my head, sometimes its that frigging envelope thats just plopped through the letterbox thats likely to mean i have to DO something else now. A lot of the time i'm scared to go out of the house, I live in a constant state of fear that i'm going to mess up again, that i'm not good enough, that i'm going to say or do something stupid........but i guess the ultimate fear is one of not being able to cope. Is that not at the basis of all our fears though? Its the fear that we will not be able to deal with whatever the consequences of something will be is it not?
But what does that mean? What is coping? I'm coping just fine with my fear of leaving the house right now cos i'm sitting in my bedroom typing away perfectly content to be here if i'm honest.....interested actually to see where my thoughts are going with this......but even though i am content to sit here day after day i also know of the consequences of doing so. I know that people around me are worried and there is nothing i hate more than putting other people out in some way. I know they are worried that i am getting worse that its "not healthy" to be sat here all the time. The thing they don't seem to realise is sometimes i'm not hiding from the world, sometimes i'm just interacting with the world in a way thats not so risky for me right now. And why is it that its ok for them to sit and read or watch TV or surf the internet for days on end and not for me??? Its not like i haven't gone out when i have things to do.....just because i don't feel like going out into the cold, wet, stormy day that it is out there doesn't make me the crazy one now does it???
The thing is i know my behaviour is a bit odd at times.....then again when has it not been??? I have my own way of interacting with the world regardless of whether i am 'sick' or 'healthy'.......I am the one who knows the consequences of my actions all too bloody keenly - i have many of them replaying in my head day after day after all. Fact is sometimes i just feel able to take the risk of dipping my toe into what my mind has interpreted as a sea full of killer sharks and sometimes i dont, sometimes i might even go in up to my waist. There is one thing that i know for sure though, trying to force me to jump out of a helicopter into the middle of shark infested waters is not helpful - i know i will do it in my own time cos thats the sort of person i am - i have never let the fear of the unknown get in my way or i would never have got on a plane to India on my own.....but had i done that without putting things in place to make sure i was as safe as possible that would have just been stupid. I'm not a stupid person, I am just one who has been through a lot of crap recently and i am allowing myself to recover.....on my terms......the ones my mind is telling me it needs. Strangely even though it does send me the most bizarre messages at times i still trust my own mind to know how to heal itself......
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