One of the most difficult things about depression in my opinion is the way it undermines any and every scrap of self worth that you have. Everything, and i mean everything becomes not just negative but also self focused. So instead of being able to understand that there are usually several reasons to explain why something doesn't work out the way I expect it to everything that goes 'wrong' is somehow because of me - its because i am stupid, a failure, cursed even, any vague connection that there is to me for something going wrong is because of my involvement. To be honest if i could figure out a connection for it the latest world tragedy would be my fault as well.
Ok so that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.....but that is exactly the the point.......everything does become exaggerated but only in negative way. In addition this happens while at the same time anything positive that might happen becomes minimised and outer focussed....so anything that does work out well was only because of the actions of someone else. I call it the anti-rose coloured glasses filter!
To understand the anti-rose coloured glasses idea you also need to understand that this is something that happens because of the illness, it is not a choice. It is a certain way of thinking and it is something that can be changed....eventually. But it is not something that depressed people choose to do - what i mean by that is we don't deliberately try to see the worst case scenario in everything - its just automatically the first thing that comes to mind - we can see that this is happening but because of how we feel it is a deeply held belief about ourselves. If i can try and put this into some perspective.....which really isn't that easy unless you have experienced it......trying to explain to someone who is depressed that something is not their fault is like trying to convince them that the sun is shining and its a hot summer day when they are freezing and feeling the rain soak their skin - everything is telling them that it couldn't possibly be a hot summer day........and to take it a step further if you and everyone else keep trying to convince a depressed person that it is a hot summers day they will literally think you and any one else saying this has completely lost their mind. Fact is you cannot just tell someone to change how they feel!
There is a lot of research that has been done about depression and attempts to explain why this negative thought process happens. Even the so called experts find this difficult to explain and instead tend to talk about descriptions of what happens rather than why. Its a bit like the whole chicken and egg scenario - we aren't quite sure about how they got here but we can describe the cycle of chicken reproduction.
As someone who has both studied mental illness and experienced it I always find it interesting that people tend to talk in terms of triggers for a decline in mental health. There tends to be the idea that there is a point in time that can be identified as THE turning point....that somehow we have been fine until a certain event and after that event we have had a change in our mental health. As someone experiencing depression i can say that i personally also have a tendency to think in terms of a turning point, but that also does not relate very well to the experience. For me there has always been a kind of snowball effect - i could literally feel it building up, i could feel it developing - it is one of the things that you learn to tune into, but it is also not a clear cut feeling so even when tuned into it there is still a degree of uncertainty about what is happening.
For me there have been some serious events in my life recently that i can pinpoint as contributing to my current experience of depression, as for a turning point? well i don't know really, a cause? possibly. The main thing is that these experiences have had and continue to have a dramatic impact on my self worth - i do feel like a failure, i feel like i have made a complete mess of my life and i question constantly the 'reality' of the situations. No doubt i will go into more details about the situations at some point in this blog, but for now i am conscious that to do so would take up another 10 or more pages before i could get to my point and that is about what i am trying to do at the minute to work on how i feel about myself.
When trying to 'work' with someone who has depression and extremely low feelings of self worth there is a tendency to try and challenge these feelings by looking at what that person has achieved in their life.........I have achieved a lot in my life and i know that - i haven't suddenly forgotten that i overcame a lot of hurdles and managed to not only go to university later in my life but also achieved very good marks for example, I haven't forgotten that i am a reasonably strong, smart, and effective person when i am well who can cope with a lot of things that other people wouldn't even know where to start and cope with - just because i am depressed doesn't mean that these things are wiped out of my memory, it means that they are simply not effective in boosting my feelings of self worth RIGHT NOW. These things are about the person i am when i am well, but i am not well at the minute and so they have no relationship to the 'sick' me whatsoever.
Something else to take into consideration is the fact that the things that are important to me right now are not necessarily the things that were important to me when i achieved them before - my motivations are different now. Also for me right now reminders about what i WAS able to do only serves to remind me of what i am NOT able to do now. I have a very acute sense of loss - i feel like i have lost myself as well as my job, my health, my option of having a family, my dignity, my reputation, my skills, my body even - everything that i worked so hard to build in my life has gone. The only way i can start to feel better about myself again is to start from scratch. I need to start and achieve things again as the person that i am right now.
I think this is where a lot of people get stuck, maybe i am wrong in that - i just find that for me it is not about looking back and doing the things i used to do because that reminds me of my losses, it is not necessarily about using the skills that i used to have either because a lot of them i can't do right now, it is not about doing things that i used to enjoy either although obviously my general interests haven't changed - i am still interested in crafts for example, but i find it hard to make jewellery as i used to do that. Instead of doing something i did before i am doing some sewing which i never really did much of before so i don't feel bad being a 'beginner' with that, and i am able to achieve something by doing it. I also have some new interests now as well - i have found myself getting more curious about how to develop pages and things on facebook and websites - i have started to try and learn a little bit of HTML for example - learning how to manipulate the look of internet pages. I have become interested in promoting things on facebook as well - how does it all work? I want to find out how to do it well. This relates to being able to do something that is useful - my partner has been setting up his own business and so i have become interested in these things because it is something that i can do to help.
Taking those things a step further again, i have noticed that one of the main things i personally have a need for is to feel useful - i have worked with people all my life in a caring capacity and this is no coincidence - i am a caring person and i like to help other people if i can. Taking this information as well as my current interest in facebook and publicising i have come up with the idea that i could combine the 2 things to do some fundraising for a cause that i can relate to. I have to say this is also a really risky activity for me - it will be exposing myself to the possibility of failure - it is putting my reputation out there again, but it is also something new to me in a lot of ways - i have never used the internet like this before so i am a 'beginner' in that sense. The option of me being able to do something to help other people as well as develop new skills is a huge thing for me and IF i am able to do it, even in a small way i know will start to help me to feel better about myself again. The risk of course is if it doesn't work then i have the failure label all too ready to slap on myself again. I have been doing a few small things related to this and i have had some very big emotion swings - i am happy when i raise a little bit of money for a charity, but on the days i don't make anything i get really disappointed and feel useless again - it has to be because of something i am doing after all doesn't it? and not because its just after Christmas and no one has any money or something!!!! (see i do know there are other possible reasons.......).
I also know that doing these things is a pretty big deal for anyone who is feeling the way i am - i have never been the sort of person to sit back and be easy on myself - its one of the issues i really would like to be able to work on .....but at the same time i have a need to be busy and to do something useful....so i am trying to take it day by day at the minute, and i am trying not to jump to the 'failure label' when things don't go so well. Some days it is easier than others, but everyday i am trying to remember that i AM achieving something again - its good to have something that is easy to measure - if i make an extra £1 in a day then i can see the balance increasing. Also if i am doing some promoting i can see the number of people on my page increasing as well - it is good to have a reasonably immediate method of feedback on my actions as well which is something associated with facebook in particular.
So that is where i am with things right now - probably at a higher level of activity than a lot of people who have felt the way i feel most days, and i try to give myself some praise for that, while at the same time i try not to push myself too hard too quickly because that is another 'habit' that i know i have. Most of the time it feels like a juggling act and sometimes i drop a ball ......but when i can i pick it up and i try again.
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