In my last post i said the dreaded words "well you just have to try".......I don't know how many times i have heard these words and various versions of them. Don't get me wrong I know that i do need to do things to get myself feeling better, if i didn't know that then i wouldn't be doing any of the things that i am doing. So what exactly is it that i AM doing? Believe it or not there is so much that its going to take a while to cover it all. This post then is going to be about taking medication:
Top of the list of things i AM doing has to be taking my medication. I am currently taking quite a hefty dose of Venlafaxine XL, actually i am taking the highest dose of this medication that is recommended for someone of my size and i take it everyday without fail. Sometimes i wonder just how much of my current symptoms are related to this dose of medication - i always find it rather ironic that most anti depressant medications can cause things like anxiety, sleep problems, poor appetite, poor concentration, tiredness etc......so of course it is hard to know if any of these things are due to the depression itself or the medication - fact is though i'm scared not to take it because at least i'm not lying in a crying heap in the corner most days since i have been taking it.
As well as that i am taking diazepam - not very often as i try not to take it, but it does help on those days when i feel particularly anxious and have to go to all sorts of appointments or if i find myself nearly having a panic attack at the thoughts of going out somewhere - It was the post office that i had a problem with last week for some reason....no idea why but the thought of going to it just made me feel sick to my stomach. Regardless of that i did actually go - it took me a while to fight against the urge to vomit and convince myself i wasn't really going to die if i went. I managed to ignore the heart racing and palpitations and the feeling i was dragging around led boots on my feet, oh yes and the urge to drive myself into a wall on the way there. When i got there i was thankful there were only a couple of people in the queue, and my prayers that no one would speak to me or ask me anything complicated were answered. After posting my letter i then had to go home and lie down for a while until the sheer exhaustion of having 'fought' my way there passed. Its as well i had taken my diazepam that time or it might have been kinda hard......
For the past month i have also been taking HRT medication because as well as everything else i have now been informed that i am at the end stages of menopause (which may actually be the reason why i have been feeling so crap for the past 3 years or so but its only been diagnosed now). Funny enough HRT can have some pretty bad side effects as well including.....wait for it......depression, anxiety, sleep problems, loss of appetite etc etc and that doesn't even touch on the more serious ones. As well as that i also have the thoughts of never being able to have a family of my own to contend with now and the fact that my body has let me down yet again. It doesn't matter that i feel like i have had yet another 10 years of my life stolen away from me now or that i wonder why on earth this has been thrown at me as well as everything else - all i have to do is pop a wee pill into my mouth and at least that will help to prevent me getting osteoporosis. At least i can maybe take some comfort in that while i wonder if i will be one of the people who ends up with blood clots or cancer from taking it.
Sorry is my sarcasm showing through? I don't mean to sound sarcastic - i just get tired of everything being like a double edged sword at the minute. There is of course the possibility that this latest treatment may just help me to feel better when i get my head around everything else taking it means to me.....I guess i just haven't got there yet!
You know sometimes i wish those who just don't 'get it' could be given just some of the medication i am taking at the minute just for a few days. Its always good when people can see for themselves what it is like trying to walk in another persons shoes and for me it is difficult to function through the drugs haze, the depression and the other medical issues I now have as well! I know i am not the only one - a lot of people with mental illness of any kind are taking enough medication to knock out a horse for goodness sake - i'm not saying its right or wrong here - the over prescribing of medication is another issue - i'm just saying it has a major effect on how full of energy we might feel! The next time you may be tempted to say "you just need to try" to someone with depression or when you hear those dreaded words yet again don't forget that many of us are trying and succeeding to wade through the haze a lot of the time, it takes a lot of energy to fight the invisible demons, to not sleep when you are exhausted, and to even just face the day!
A friend of mine when going through menopause had problems with anxiety, sleep problems etc and to be honest she was nothing like the girl I knew. But she's back to her old self now and I think the one good thing about you being in the end stages is that at least when it's over you might find the 'you' that you recognise again and a lot of the depression and anxiety may go away. I'll pray that you'll get rid of these things asap xx
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the comment L - its good to know that your friend has got back to her old self again now - I think partly its hard to know what to expect having never been through it before obviously. My mum never seemed to have the sort of problems i have had and i know it can be very different for everyone but i suppose i have been worried about who i will be when i get to the other side of it as such.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the prayers too - its means a lot :) xx