I have had enough, i am so tired of feeling like shit. No matter what i do i just don't feel any better. Its the first time for a few weeks that i have had thoughts of hurting myself.
So what can i do today? I am struggling to even do my online stuff today. I have slept so much i can't sleep anymore, i watch the tv and constantly there are images that hurt me to see. I feel like i have a straight jacket on, my back and my neck are agony. Even my calves are sore - i remember reading somewhere that is a sign of stress! How funny!
I have just had a bath and the only thing going through my head is what is the point of life? For me life feels like a cruel joke. I have spent so much of my life feeling sick, in pain or just tortured by my own thoughts. That was in between the thoughts of cutting myself with the razor that was sitting just above my head, or drinking the bleach that i saw sitting beside the toilet.
I know i need to find some meaning in my life, i have known that for a long time, but i just don't know how to. I have been trying to do things to feel useful and it seems to work for a little while. I think what is happening at the minute is the HRT is having a big impact on my mood. I feel ok ish when i am taking the first half of the tablets but now i am halfway through the second lot - i seem to remember feeling bad at this time last month as well - its like the ultimate pmt. What can i do though? is it normal to feel like this on it? Is it likely to get better with time?
I never did get my blood test done to check the levels of hormones - i guess that is something i really should do asap.
For now, i just feel like i have to try and get the day over with. How i do this today i really don't know!
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