Whoa Girl! Lift that lead boot!

My granny always used to talk about people driving around with lead boots and it just popped into my head there when i was pondering what i wanted to write about today - funny how that happens, eh? She may be gone but she still talks away to me.......


Anyway, today i just have been thinking about what i am doing at the minute.  I have this idea that i don't ever want to be working for someone else again, that i need to do something that protects me from the nonsense that i have been put through over the past few years and that means working for myself. I have managed to talk myself into working in a self employed role related to the craft side of my life that used to be such a big part of who i was.  I was selling products i made to shops at the age of 17/18 but somehow this disappeared into a 'real' job scenario.


The desire to work for myself has always been a strong one - my family have pretty much all worked for themselves and so the business ethos is no stranger to me......and neither is the hard work associated with that.  As usual i appear to be hurtling towards this goal at breakneck speed - the decision has been made and the ideas just seem to pour out of my brain like a waterfall, so i find it hard to take a slow and steady approach.  Usually however i am able to keep up with my thoughts and manage juggling 10 different thought processes at one time, but i have to admit to struggling with it at the minute.  I keep telling myself to slow down but i honestly don't know how to do it.


I have to find a way to take control of things again though, because i can feel it all drifting away from me.  I have worked so hard to start sorting out my debts over the past few years and yet at the minute its all going a bit pear-shaped.  I am spending money that i can't afford to spend and getting myself into a position where i am not even thinking about what i am doing before i buy something else.  I know i will be able to resell the things i'm buying - thats the whole point of buying it.  I am however having trouble following up the buying with even advertising it for sale though! I can hardly run a business if i don't do the most important part of it - selling things on to make a profit! It amazes me that i have so little restraint at the minute, but i think it may be related to my medication in a way - i have very little restraint in so many different areas of my life i know it is more than just getting a little bit carried away! It is a dangerous combination - excitement, ideas and lack of impulse control = me spending money like its going out of fashion and running about like a headless chicken in the process! I need to lift that lead boot, sit back and take a much more planned approach.........planning has never been a strong point of mine but i know i can do it if i just manage to focus for long enough!! 

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!!

Its been such a long time since i posted on this blog and the reason i stopped was because i was getting tired of hearing myself moaning.  I'm not usually a negative person and i know that my depression can take over and suck the positivity right out of me at times, but i'm glad i can recognise it and try to do something about it at least! 


Recently however i have started to become very thoughtful and curious again - i wonder about so many things! Its something i really enjoy doing and it is that sort of thought process i would like to be able to talk about in this blog - Thats what i wanted it to be about originally and so i'm happy to be able to return to it in the right frame of mind again.  Today i had a moment of wonder thats i'd like to share and to develop as my mind follows the twists and turns in my head.  This was the thought:


Its funny how things you believe get turned on their heads isn't it - I was always taught that telling the truth was the right thing to do when i was a child.......yet the older i get the more it seems that not being honest about things is valued by others. Its no wonder that people get confused!! I open my mouth and the truth comes out, always has and always will - why is it that some people have such a problem with that??? 


For me to wonder freely with this thought i feel i need to share something relevant to it - Thoughout my life i have had the feeling that i have been labelled as a troublemaker on various occasions.  Its not something that i understand much because i'm simply not one of those people who go around trying to stir things up.  I believe myself to be a kind, sensitive and genuine person - yes i do believe in calling a spade a spade, but i also try to do it with compassion at least most of the time! 


To me a truth is a simple thing - of course there can be various viewpoints about something, but to me a truth is simply a true reflection of what is going on in your head at any given time.  We might not want to share everything that goes on in the privacy of our minds - i'm not talking about having no filter of our thoughts, but if we choose to share it is it not simple to just say what has gone through our minds? 


Yet it seems that rather than just filtering and smoothing off some of the rough edges of our thoughts, somehow it seems to be more acceptable to actually lie than to tell the truth these days.  Is it not easier to actually know what another person is thinking? To me it is a much easier way of living than trying to figure out the fact they actually are thinking "oh that is so awful" when they say "yes thats lovely".  


When i think over the difficult times in my life, including this one, the common theme running through it is one of not understanding.  Yet i'm not a stupid person, i understand a great deal of things.  The confusion therefore has almost always related to the fact that i have been told one thing and yet experienced the opposite.  Its confusing for someone to say they love you yet their actions indicate they don't want to spend any time with you is it not? Its confusing for someone to say they are a friend when their actions show betrayal! For me most recently its confusing for an organisation to say they value people with experience of mental illness when they trample over you at the first signs of depression! 


Many times i have wondered how i could get something so wrong, yet the only thing i believe i have done is actually take someone at their word.  Do i miss some sort of social unwritten rule? We all know the one about answering the question "does my bum look big in this?" Surely i'm not the only one who actually would prefer if someone said "well its not the best really, why not wear that one instead?" 


Is it a cultural thing? I don't know! All in know is i was taught its a good thing to tell the truth, yet i seem to get into trouble for telling the truth, and not only that but the people doing the opposite of what they say just glide on through without a worry in the world! It really does make me think i am crazy at times - it turns my head inside out wondering how they don't get caught out in their dishonesty when to me its as clear as the nose on my face! Do people really not want to know the truth? Or is it only if its a truth they want to hear? Are we not big enough to be able to hear something that may be less than flattering? 


Personally i believe life would be so much easier if we didn't have to pretend we like the meal someone has made in fear of looking rude! Is it not more rude to leave most of the meal and the person wondering what was wrong with it than simply to say "I'm sorry i don't like jam on my beans!!" LOL! Is it not easier to actually have trust in what a person says rather than trying to read between the lines or figure out what they are actually thinking? and how much wondering and confusion would it save us all if we knew that the promises made by anyone were genuine! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know it would certainly save a lot of headaches and heartaches.......so why is it that its not as simple as "doing what it says on the tin"!

Looking Forward

Its really been a hard few days since the appeal and i slept almost solidly for 3 days afterwards - it just shows how much of an impact it has had on me!!

Anyway since that has now been overturned i would like to try and use the time i have as breathing space and maybe even planning space - i know i am going to be expected to start working again soon enough and i do actually want to get myself to a place where i can see that as a possibility again.  I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get to 'that place' in my head but i know that i can start to make some small steps towards it at least.  The first thing for me is to actually consider what options i have for future employment and more and more i seem to have the idea that something to do with welfare rights is the path i would like to take.  This is not a new thought at all, i applied for welfare rights courses through work before i became ill again, but the whole experience i have had has also strengthened that idea.

Now i have to work on various aspects of my life to start to move forward and away from the pain of the past experiences.  I know i can do it, i have done it many times before, and lets face it i am simply too stubborn to let myself be beaten!

Success at Last???

Finally something seems to have gone right - I had to attend the tribunal hearing thingy yesterday and the good news is that i won the appeal.  I was so worried about the possibility that i would be considered fit for work and would have to start doing the whole jobseekers routine.  I can hardly go into the JBO at times when i have an appointment there never mind have to go through the process of proving i was applying for jobs that i am not well enough to actually do.

Don't get me wrong, i completely agree that the system has been exploited for years, and i would even go as far as to say that some of the changes that are being made are in the right general direction.  It does however feel very much like everyone is being tarred with the one brush - that everyone is being treated as if they are the culprits guilty of benefit fraud.  I know that there is a particular difficulty in assessments of people with mental health conditions as well, and i fully believe in the therapeutic aspect of work activity for mental health conditions, but there has to be a better way for the system to progress.

As i said, i actually won my appeal, and i got the zero points allocation i initially got changed to 21.  The whole process though has been traumatic, has caused a deterioration in my mental health and is degrading to say the least.  I have spent the whole day today in bed and have been extremely tearful.  I feel as if i have been raped.  I honestly can't think of any alternative way of describing this experience, and i certainly do not use the term lightly.  I keep thinking i should be feeling good - i keep repeating over and over in my head that i WON the appeal - i should be celebrating, right? So why do i feel so dirty and powerless?

Trying to get back on an even keel

Well here i am trying once again, fighting for an ounce of sanity.  Its been a really hard few days to get through but realising that the HRT was having an influence on my mood has made it a little easier to bear - Its funny how having some sort of explanation for such a low mood can help to cope with it somehow, i suppose its the knowing that it will pass again quite soon.

The last few days have been like being on a scary ride at the fun park - a ghost train ride really..... but i am the ghost.  I could hardly bear to put my thoughts and feelings into words so the fact i am writing today is a good sign.  I am still in a lot of physical pain.  I am walking like an old woman with bad joint pain and i have been living with heat packs strapped around me for days - its the only thing that seems to help.  It just doesn't seem right that i should be in so much pain just because i will be having a period soon - i wish it would just come and be done with.

I did manage to look up some info on HRT and it says the first few months tend to be the worst, 3 months is the recommended timescale for letting it settle down.  As far as i remember the first month i had 2 weeks of what i can only describe as severe PMT or PMS with feeling sick, pain in my head and my stomach etc so this time it does seem a little shorter - we will see soon!

Having such a bad day!

I have had enough, i am so tired of feeling like shit.  No matter what i do i just don't feel any better.  Its the first time for a few weeks that i have had thoughts of hurting myself.

So what can i do today? I am struggling to even do my online stuff today.  I have slept so much i can't sleep anymore, i watch the tv and constantly there are images that hurt me to see.  I feel like i have a straight jacket on, my back and my neck are agony.  Even my calves are sore - i remember reading somewhere that is a sign of stress! How funny!

I have just had a bath and the only thing going through my head is what is the point of life? For me life feels like a cruel joke. I have spent so much of my life feeling sick, in pain or just tortured by my own thoughts.  That was in between the thoughts of cutting myself with the razor that was sitting just above my head, or drinking the bleach that i saw sitting beside the toilet.

I know i need to find some meaning in my life, i have known that for a long time, but i just don't know how to.  I have been trying to do things to feel useful and it seems to work for a little while.  I think what is happening at the minute is the HRT is having a big impact on my mood.  I feel ok ish when i am taking the first half of the tablets but now i am halfway through the second lot - i seem to remember feeling bad at this time last month as well - its like the ultimate pmt.  What can i do though? is it normal to feel like this on it? Is it likely to get better with time?

I never did get my blood test done to check the levels of hormones - i guess that is something i really should do asap.

For now, i just feel like i have to try and get the day over with. How i do this today i really don't know!

Positive Steps

I think i have mentioned before that i have used what i call my positive steps challenge on and off throughout my life as a way of coping or possibly even over-coming my depression.  Now that i think about it i would say it was in my last post i spoke about it!

Anyway, today i just logged in to MSE which is where i now complete my challenge, along with several others who have joined in with me too, and it struck me again just how useful the challenge is.  It may seem a bit daft and an exaggeration to say this challenge has magic powers, but sometimes that is exactly how it feels.  Reading through other peoples posts on there today it just made me smile so much when they said it was really helping them too!  I know it seems like a really simple thing, but it is based on a lot of my own knowledge of psychology and depression as well as personal experience, and now the feedback from others as well.

The way i use the challenge is this: First of all, depending on my mood and current level of ability to complete the challenge i set myself a goal of a certain number of positive steps to achieve in a day.  The good thing about it is i can do this challenge at whatever level i choose from 1 step to as many as i can fit in a day.  Trust me sometimes it is a struggle to achieve the 1 step and sometimes its not enough of a challenge for me to aim for 10 or even 20, but that is the whole point - it is about setting myself a goal that is sufficient enough to challenge me a bit without trying to over-stretch myself either.

The other thing about it is I could start off with the aiming for 1 step and then maybe it helps me to have done something, so i might decide to aim for another one.  The 'trick' i think is about knowing where to set the limit for the day - ultimately this means being in tune with my own state of mind and being able to distinguish between low motivation and just plain can't be arsed - I think other people with the experience of depression know what i'm getting at here?? I know some days i just do very little which has nothing to do with my depression in the same way that everyone else has those days too!

Today i have set myself a target of 10 positive steps, 5 of which relate to my online earning accounts and 5 of which relate to general house things and 'me' things.  So far i have managed to do quite a few really:

Online accounts - swagbucks, superpoints, free bingo, free lottery, checked freebies options, cleared email account 1 of junk mail/unwanted stuff, changed email notification on facebook, wrote post for money making blog,  and of course writing this post.

House stuff - folded up washing, put another wash on, and put recycling out.

Me stuff - now thats where i get a bit stuck.......oh i got up at 10.30 cos i am trying to get my sleep pattern back into something that resembles normal even though i didn't go to bed until 5ish and am about to go have a shower......

I have some more bits i want to do as well, which hopefully i will manage on top of those 14 things i have already done - how good is that? and i even feel good about having achieved so many :)

Right shower beckons......hope you have a positive day too :)